Avoidance

I put off a lot of things for all kinds of reasons.  The biggest one lately has been my extreme fatigue and probably other things I don't realize or am in denial about.  One of the biggest things that have been bugging me to death is the fact that I can't work.

I have worked from the age of 12 doing various things - mostly babysitting when I was young, working at grocery stores, waitress etc. up through college.  Once I started my professional career, I climbed the ladder.  I always busted my chops and worked as hard as I could.  Then cancer put up a huge stop sign on my life.

So many things that I wanted to do in life and with my children went poof - gone in a second.  The second that my gynecologist who was crying when she called me the day after my hysterectomy to tell me that I had stage 2 cervical cancer.  What? - can you repeat that I said through tears.  I had no idea what was to come.  I am glad I didn't.  It was brutal.  At least I am on this side of it.

The changes in my life from May 2010 till now are so vast.  They have slipped slowly through my hands like a hand full of sand one grain at a time.  The slow realization that as the sand slipped through my fingers that I would never get them back.  There are tears in my eyes right now - little pity party as I write this.

People look at me and other than my port dressing -which they may or may not see- they have not a clue what I was and what I am now.  I have been feeling guilty about work - I know deep down I can't but it is what it is.  I always hated that phrase "it is what it is" - it is so much more than that.  It is never so black and white.  I spoke to one of my docs about work and she just looked at me like I was crazy (which I am to a degree just like everyone else - maybe quirky is a better description if I offended anyone with the word crazy).  But, as I have said in previous posts, I am certifiably crazy.

I was having a lot of problems at night - being stable walking - we figured it was the combo of meds I have to take to not be crazy and the morphine for my bladder so I didn't go into painful spasms.  Messing with my head meds was a very bad idea.  I feel like there is a ping pong game going on in my head - ping (manic) pong (depressed) and it just keeps going.  I saw the head doc and told her this was not working at a lower dose.  She suggested a small move up - no go.  Had to go back to the regular dose my body was used to and worked properly with.  Now at the higher dose - I play ping pong with my body - bouncing off walls.  Which is better?  I think bouncing off walls - that is if I don't hurt myself too much.

The constants in my life keep me going - my God and my family.  Also a shout out to my prayer warriors. 

More later -

Sunday Creager Times take 2

About 5 minutes after I posted, I was juggling getting dinner and laundry - told the two that were outside that dinner would be ready in 10-15 minutes.  They said ok.

I went to take the darks out of the dryer - melted brown crayon -- enough said.

The two who were outside came home 20-25 minutes after dinner time.  I hollered out the door for them three or four times.

The excuse of I didn't hear you is now off limits in this house.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday evening!

More later -

Creager Sunday Times

Everyone is home.  Daniel spent the weekend at my mom's house and Sarah spent Saturday night with a friend.  It is so much quieter with just one kid gone.

I enjoyed going to see my good friend, Cathy, on Friday night.  It helped to lift the some of fog and weight on my shoulders.  It was good to laugh and talk to an adult.  I usually spend my time breaking up fights.

Thanks to all those that are praying for my health - it has maintained for 8 months now.  No 911 calls, no hospital visits etc.  Still have a lot of doctor appointments - but I will take those any day over a hospital stay or an emergency.  Also a thank you to a reader who sent me hugs - made me smile.

Almost dinner time.  I am making two things to save the peace.  Yes I am a pushover - need to work on that.

Hope all of you had a great weekend!

More later -

Been in a Funk

I don't when it started - a month or so ago.  For some reason, everything I do seems like I have a heavy weight on my shoulders and the world is closing in.  Not a good feeling - depression is not fun.
I did have lunch this week (barely ate anything - maybe 4 -6 small bites and my body said nope) - but it was so worth it to see friends.  But on the flip side it took everything I had to get the out of the house.

Tonight I am going to see another friend - again don't want to leave the house, but I will.  And I will enjoy it when I get there - it is just the getting there.  Being bipolar stinks - I usually fall to the manic side (which is fun!) and rarely to the depression side (sucks).  But here I am - not drowning yet and praying (a lot) that this will end soon.

I have had the kids straight since January - no breaks except when one of them wants to spend the night at my mom's house.  Don't take me wrong - I love my children very, very much.  But I miss those 4 days of peace a month.  The whining and fighting goes right up my spine.  I am not perfect - I don't always handle it like I should - and I so regret it later.  They deserve to be told what they did wrong, how to handle it the next time, work at it and listen to me. 

When there are three of them, all talking at once you can't tell heads from tails.  Anyway, enough about that.  I will keep praying about it and try to remember to leave it in God's hands.

I have been doing so much better.  Only bad issues are I am wibbley wobbley and lose my balance and am afraid I will fall, the fatigue is out of this world and have found two small bumps that I need to show the oncologist.  I am sure he will biopsy both - not looking forward to that.   I also have just ignored getting my mammogram - need to get that done. 

I know I haven't blogged in a while - I have just been hiding.  I need to rejoin the world as small as I keep it - it is enough for me.  Yesterday I finished the last of my dental work.  Hopefully no more 6 cavities at one time.  At least I am blogging - a good first step.

More later -

Oh No!

Something very silly after the fact - but hurt and scared myself first.  I was sitting on the couch and went to stand up.  I wasn't watching my feedbag line and pulled the needle out of the port in my chest.  I was waiting for blood etc.  Nothing exciting except the sting of pulling it out.  But I panicked and after I called for a nurse to be sent out, I called my mom.  My poor mom, I call her for any little thing. 

What an exciting life I lead. I also have been on one of my sleep binges due to fatigue. I hate it.  I feel like I miss so much but I physically cannot help it.  Thank goodness for my mom stepping in whenever I need it.

Other things are wibbly wobbly.  But over all doing good.

Sorry for the short post - but it really has been quiet.

More later -