A little of this; a little of that

It has been way too long since my last post.  But, I have a pretty good excuse: I have been severely depressed.  Having supplemental Medicare insurance doesn't make it easy to find someone to help with your brain.  So I've been in a constant state of funk until recently.  Thank God my mom has been around to help.

Went for a PET scan this previous Friday.  Just did the scan to make sure nothing new has cropped up.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Kids are out of school on Thursday starting at noon.  Summer already!  So not ready for it :(

Have a fun Summer!

More later -

April 1st was hard

I needed to get a new medi-port and have the old one taken out.  For those who may not know what a medi-port is:  it is like a disk with a soft middle and has a cath line that goes thru a vein up your neck and down to the middle of your chest.  The disk is put underneath your skin on your chest.  It is used for my feed bags and blood draws.

I had to get a new one because my old one wouldn't allow blood to be drawn out but would allow fluids to go in.  I was supposed to be in a twilight state - didn't happen.  I felt all the local anesthesia shots, cuts and cath line being threaded thru my vein.  Glad to have a new one but it was hell.

Learned a couple of new things:  when you see the draping around where they are going to do surgery - it is sticky so it adheres to your skin and if you have ever had an operation or procedure, you know how cold an operating room is - they have a heater (first time I knew about these) that they can put at your feet to help keep you warm.  I'd rather not know these things but I thought they were interesting tidbits.

Towards the end of the procedure, I was sweating bullets from the pain and the heater.  I had them turn the heater off and take off the 5 blankets they had on me.  I was still sweating bullets.

The meds must have kicked in as I woke up in recovery - freezing cold and sleepy.  Mom asked me if I wanted to sleep some more but it was getting late and needed to get home for the kids.  I had to negotiate with the radiologist as she wanted me to stay flat for 3 hours!  I told her I could do that at home.     

Happy to have a new port that they can get blood out of instead of sticking me 3-6 times to get a vein that works.

More later -

In hiding

Being crazy isn't easy.  I have mentioned before that I have been diagnosed as bipolar.  I have been rapid cycling which means going from manic to depressed and back and forth.  When you crash from mania to depression, it is a hard landing. 

When I went on medicare and got supplemental insurance, I have had a difficult time finding a doctor and really didn't try that hard.  I had plenty of my mood stabilizers but had run out of my antidepressant made specifically for bipolar people.  I had an appointment today - I did not make it.  I had crashed Tuesday night and stayed crashed until this morning.

Not good.  I missed my feed bag and missed my morphine.  Missing both has bad consequences.  I felt like a fragile fall leaf.  You get immediate morphine withdrawals - not fun.  Missing the feed bag makes you feel like you are completely depleted.  I almost feel 3 times.  Had to cancel 2 appointments - which stinks as one was for a psychiatrist.  I desperately need  antidepressants.

I feel like Alice who dropped down the rabbit hole.  I know I will get to the doc eventually.  Can't wait for that.  So if you wonder where I have been - been in hiding - extremely depressed.  It is getting better but the meds would be so much better.

I have been sick a lot lately - something is amiss.  I am seeing the oncologist at the end of March.  It is time for a body scan.  Curious and scared at the same time.

My mom came over to take me to the doc but I could barely move.  So lucky to have her here to help.

More later -

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year to those who love me, my friends and my readers (who probably are in one of the first two categories!)  Thank you for the love, support and prayers - couldn't of made it through the rough times and shared the good times in 2014.

I won't miss 2013 for obvious reasons.  The never ending run from cancer.  That's it.

I hope of each of you find what you are seeking - peace, love, health - whatever it may be I wish you every success.

For me no resolutions.  Just a hope and a dream to stop running from the ugly, stupid cancer.  I have already accepted the horrible consequences of the aftermath of the treatments.  Just don't want to play hide-n-seek with cancer anymore.

More later -

Holidays 2013

Another year almost gone.  Hard to believe.  What a year it has been.  My kiddos have been in PA with their father for Christmas and are due home late tomorrow.  This has been my longest break from them in the last two years.  I miss them and can't wait to see them late tomorrow night when they arrive home.  They are having a blast and that is the most important thing.

On Christmas Eve, I had another laser procedure.  I feel as if I am always on the run from cancer.  CANCER sucks.  It drains me.  The fatigue from the radiation has limited me to being two things/errands on any given day.  It wipes me out.

So early Christmas Eve morning, mom and I set out for the hospital (again).  I had my girl parts lasered.  Not the best way  to spend Christmas Eve.  But Mom was with me and the kids are away.  So it all worked out.  I hurt - I always hurt somewhere.

I was going to sleep one night after the procedure thinking what would happen if I just stopped these procedures?  Would the cancer come back?  I am so sick of them.  Later I received a text from my  11 year old daughter saying she was so glad I was alive and that she wouldn't know what she would do if I wasn't here.  That stopped my questions of continuing the procedures.  I really already knew the answers - there really isn't a choice.  Just keep fighting it.

I hope each of you had a Wonderful Christmas and all the best in the new year!

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Thanksgiving

I hope each of you were able to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with those that you love.  I know there will be many that will not be able to do so - it is so sad.

As I wrote about earlier, I had a pap smear that came back bad.  He wanted to do biopsies.  Which I did so on Oct. 18th.  The biopsies showed moderate  display which in my world is great.  But, there is always a but, he still wants to do a laser procedure.  It will hurt like heck   The procedure is scheduled for Dec 24th.  Which works because the kids will be in PA.

Happy Holidays to each of you -

Life etc.

We laid my stepfather to rest on 11/4/13.  It was a beautiful gathering to say our goodbyes for now.  Since he was a Lt. Colonel, he had a beautiful caisson to bring in his casket.  The casket was covered in the United States Flag.

This was followed by the 21 gun salute, the playing of Taps, the folding of the flag, and the presentation of the flag and three bullets (On behalf of the US President signifying his service, duty and honor).  Final goodbyes were said as well as the Lords Prayer.  The group then proceeded to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch and then back to my mother's house for visiting.  Beautiful way to lay a body to rest while his soul is up in heaven - another angel watching over us.

To change subjects, I had my third round of steroid shots in my back.  Pain is gone but both feet are numb.  I am making an appointment with my neurosurgeon to explore the options.  I know the answer will be no due to my poor health.  I know they are the experts.  However, I am a huge fall risk but with two numb feet I want to drive that point home.  Do I risk having a risky surgery and a long time to heal or do I fall and break something else.

On Monday, Nov. 18th, I am going in for biopsies.  I am praying that it is not cancer and that I do not wake up hooked up to a urine bag.  Only time will tell.

And the best news of all, my mom went with my aunt and uncle to Oklahoma to go to the casinos.  I am so happy that she got out of the house and is doing something for herself.  I love her so much and want her to be ok.  She also has been going for morning walks.  I know this will take time - it is so hard losing a person that you loved dearly and even harder when it was your spouse of 32 years.  I cannot find the words to describe it as I am not feeling the same as my mom.  But, I do miss him terribly as do my children.

More later -