Falling Apart

It has been awhile - my life went upside down for a bit.  I knew the stress of it would catch me - I just didn't know when.  Well it happened yesterday - and I was out like a light and couldn't function.  Enough about me.  This is really about some of the most important people in my life.  I would do it again no matter the consequences.

In my last post, I told you what happened to my mother - which in and of itself, can knock me down.  Then when I heard the word stroke, my mind went to the typical massive stroke.  God was watching and helping her - she had two small strokes.  You can't even tell she had a stroke - she does however look very tired and is still healing.  Thank you for the continued prayers.

Well the stress of it got me the last two days.  It really socked me hard in the stomach yesterday.  I barely made it upstairs to make sure everyone was up and getting ready for school.  I was so shaky and scared going up the stairs.  So I stopped and laid down on the playroom couch.  Daniel is usually up first, so when I heard him I asked him to bring me phone.  I dialed my mom - luckily she was awake.  So the wonder woman of Moms (who had recently had two strokes) came right over and took over.

The nurse came over at 8 am.  I was dead to the world - she banged on the door.  I finally got up.  She asked me if I wanted her to take me to the doc.  I said no.  She took my blood and vitals.  Since I was fairly lucid, she let it go and said she would call me later to check on me.  Mom picked up the kids and got them food.  I slept most of the time - but they showered and made it to bed on time.

So after almost 36 hours without meds - stress took over and I slept. I feel human today.  I hate that I am not strong enough to handle all of this. I don't know how my mom did it all when I was really sick for the last 3 years - and what it took from her.  She is truly a blessing.

More later -

Where to Start?

Where to start?  I  was going to tell you a silly story about my daughter and "her boyfriend" of one day.  The boy then went on to have two different girlfriends the following two days.

But - in the scheme of things, that is so trivial.  Last Thursday, I couldn't get in touch with my mom.  This is highly unusual as we typically talk several times a day or at least text.  Since I called so early in the morning, I just figured she was asleep.  I then proceeded with my day.

My day consisted of naps, picking the kids up from school and waiting on the kids' dad to pick them up.  I finally tried a number of times to get in touch with her.  I never did and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I drove over there - my mom had been sitting in the same chair for 12 hours.  She had woken up and was trying to get dressed so she could call 911.  I feel awful that I didn't go earlier.  Breaks my heart - she needed help and I wasn't there.  She has been by my side every step of the way with my cancer and the after math.

Her husband was there but he has severe Alzheimer's and couldn't help or take directions from Mom.  She has been in the hospital ever since. She had two small strokes and some other issues.  She is supposed to come home today but it is dependent on her Coumadin levels.

I have been taking care of my stepfather - he has 0 memory recall.  He will ask the same question over and over.  Yesterday, he got mad at me because he thought I had been keeping this all from him even though he had seen her the previous day.  Unfortunately, I had to call my mom at 7 in the morning to have her calm him down.

When we went yesterday, she wrote him a note explaining where she was and why and had him sign it.  My aunt and uncle came down  yesterday and started cleaning mom's house - it is in bad shape to say the least.  They came down to help with that and my mom who is potentially coming today.  Please pray that she does.

My stepfather's daughters are coming down today to help take care of him and continue to clean the house.  I am so looking forward to the help.  I know I shouldn't complain - but this has drained me to the bone.  Rest will take care of that.  As my mom said yesterday, don't take for granted the small things - like going to the restroom, throwing away trash and the things we do all day without thought.  How true that is.

Please pray for my mom and that she is well enough to come home today.  I would greatly appreciate it.

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Wow - already February

Sleep, kids, weekend on, weekend off.  Time just keeps going on.  Feeling kind of funky but otherwise all is ok.  Time keeps ticking.

Tried to have a logical conversation with one of my ten year olds tonight.  Went like this:  I have been getting notes from his teacher almost daily.  Little notes - not the whole picture until Friday. 

Daniel could not find his special composition notebook that was decorated at the beginning of the school year.  I have not taken many pictures - nor printed off school pics from the discs that I have bought for the last 2 to 3 years - pretty much since I got sick.  Needed pics and other stuff to decorate the composition book.  We searched the house, my car and I called my mom to have her check to see if it was there - no luck.  He needs it for a project he is doing at school.  However, we got lucky and found a blank composition book.

Logical conversation:  he said he hadn't seen the original one for about 3 weeks.  I told him we had been down the school supply aisle at HEB at least 5 or 6 times over that 3 weeks and asked him why he never mentioned it.

I asked him to search the house - I helped.  No luck.  We had the responsibility discussion.  I asked him how old he was - answer correct, I asked him how old he was acting like - answer correct.  I asked him where he thought the composition book was.  He responded that he put it in his back pack one day and the next day it was gone but that he personally did not take it out - wrong answer.  I asked if it was there one day and not the next - he said he did not lose it - wrong answer.  I asked him how it magically went missing.  He has no idea - I told him he should know and things just don't go missing.  I asked him if a magic fairy had taken it - he shrugged his shoulders - not the appropriate response.  I took him off the computer here at the house unless he can show up with the original composition book tomorrow.  That kills them all - especially the boys.

Why don't I learn to try not to have a logical discussion with them - it is fruitless.  Enough about that - it just makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

Also tried teaching Sarah how to use a curling iron.  Didn't go very well.  She is sticking to her straightening iron - which she has down.

Family counseling has been going very good.  I am so glad I found the program.

Hope all is well with each and everyone of you.  Thank you so much for the continued prayers.

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My first guest post!

Hi All-

January is Cervical Cancer Awareness month - which was news to me.  A nurse had found my blog and asked if I would be interested in doing a guest blog.  I said yes!  I got a little bit of guidance of what she was looking for.  It was difficult to write for two reasons:  1.  Reliving the scary moments and 2:  How to condense it.  It ended up being a 4 page word doc! 

I sent it out to her and let her know she could edit stuff etc. I did not include everything but it ended up being a 4 page word document.  I told her to feel free to edit as she felt necessary.  She sent me back an e-mail fairly quickly.  It said she cried her way through reading it and wouldn't change a word.  .

It is sometimes so difficult to even blog much less a write-up of all that has happened.  Here is the link:  http://www.thegypsynurse.com/cervical-cancer-guest.

If you have followed my blog, much will be familiar to you.  If you have not, this is a decent (and somewhat brief description for all I have gone through) way to find out about Cervical Cancer and what it has done to me and the lasting effects of it.

Thanks to the Gypsy Nurse for asking me to guest blog.

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Counseling for the trips & January - Cervical Cancer Awareness Month

Hi All -

All quiet on the home front.  Kids are with their dad this weekend and next.  They weren't too excited about it -  too much to go into and I want to respect their privacy.  But it breaks my heart.  However on a positive note, the kids and I started family counseling today.  It is provided by the school district free of charge.  Neat system.  The "counselors" are students working on their advanced degrees in some facet of counseling.

All meetings are recorded and reviewed by licensed psychologists.  I wanted to get the kids in there because they have had a rough two years between things happening at my house and their father's home.  I know they don't have the words or even recognize that something is not quite what they should be.  I wanted them to work with a third party that are educated to work with them to see if they need help with any of it.

Writing is hard sometimes.  I often ask myself if I am conveying what I aimed to, if I wrote in a way that it would be interesting, if it is educational and if it funny when it was meant to.  A nurse found my blog and invited me to do a guest blog.  So I was a little proud that she liked my blog and have it be another avenue to get the information out to others.  I believe it will be published on her site on January 23rd.  I will keep you posted here and on Face book.

Thank you for the continued prayers.  It gives me great comfort and is much appreciated.

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Goodbye 2012 - Hello Sleep

Who knew that the last four years would feature surgeries, cancer, hospitalizations, and all the aftermath.  I am not sorry to see the years go (although it also features my getting older!)  The kids and I said goodbye to 2012 with them jumping up and down with almost the same excitement as they had opening Christmas gifts.

As I have blogged before, I need sleep and lots of it.  I have been asleep for the better part of three days.  The fatigue just built and built - until my body called uncle.  My Mom sent me a great quote:

"I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"
-Ernest Hemingway

How perfect is that - when I sleep, however my life can and does fall apart.  I am truly grateful that things have stabilized.  Thanks to all my prayer warriors and the Man upstairs. 

After the kids have been home for the last week and a half, they went with their father this weekend.  The silence is strange.  But, I do not miss the fighting and screaming.

So sleep away and have sweet dreams.  That is my plan.  Happy 2013!

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Crash and Burn

After not sleeping well for a week and staying up late for New Year's Eve, I crashed and burned.  I am the queen of crash and burn.  I typically sleep at least 12-18 hours.  I think I went into manic overdrive - starting with the six batches of Chex mix intermingled with two kids coming downstairs a couple of nights ago and staying up till 4, not sleeping at all on Saturday night (hyper focused on the fact I did not have a computer) and ending with watching the countdown to 2013.

I knew it was coming and I needed it badly - but one thing or another kept me manic.  Confession time:  I was diagnosed as bipolar in 2002.  I may have confessed this before but wasn't sure.  So this may be a confession repeat.  It started as a diagnoses of postpartum depression - the triplets were born in early 2002.  I struggled mightily.  The diagnoses then progressed to severe depression and then after a series of events, bipolar.  My sister was also bipolar.  My mother's father struggled with depression and my father - was just plain crazy and paranoid in his latter days.  So, I proudly come from a long list of crazy people.

Mental issues are common - but a lot of people are too scared to admit it.  I to am embarrassed about discussing it.  My family and very few, very close friends know about it.  I shouldn't be embarrassed - it is an illness that is just as real as cancer.  But it is so important to make sure your balance of meds is right.  I have had adjustments over the years based on what was going on in my life.  If you don't  feel right, don't feel yourself, please seek help.  It may just be a temporary hurdle or a lifetime diagnoses.

Typically, I lean more towards mania - which is way better than depression to me.  However, this cancer illness and all the side effects have left me with depression and anxiety.  I do well most days.  I see the proper docs.  I take my meds.  I do all the right things - but when I go manic - I go MANIC.

So went to sleep at 1 am this morning and briefly woke up around noon and then crashed until 4.  One of the major problems with this, is my lovely bladder.  When I do come to somewhat during the day, I usually do not think about my pain meds.  Not good.  So when I finally really wake up - I am in bladder heck.  But after two or three doses it settles down.

Don't hide, like I have done for years, get the help and support you need.  It does not make you a weak person or a strange person, you just have an illness like any other illness.

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