Avoidance

I put off a lot of things for all kinds of reasons.  The biggest one lately has been my extreme fatigue and probably other things I don't realize or am in denial about.  One of the biggest things that have been bugging me to death is the fact that I can't work.

I have worked from the age of 12 doing various things - mostly babysitting when I was young, working at grocery stores, waitress etc. up through college.  Once I started my professional career, I climbed the ladder.  I always busted my chops and worked as hard as I could.  Then cancer put up a huge stop sign on my life.

So many things that I wanted to do in life and with my children went poof - gone in a second.  The second that my gynecologist who was crying when she called me the day after my hysterectomy to tell me that I had stage 2 cervical cancer.  What? - can you repeat that I said through tears.  I had no idea what was to come.  I am glad I didn't.  It was brutal.  At least I am on this side of it.

The changes in my life from May 2010 till now are so vast.  They have slipped slowly through my hands like a hand full of sand one grain at a time.  The slow realization that as the sand slipped through my fingers that I would never get them back.  There are tears in my eyes right now - little pity party as I write this.

People look at me and other than my port dressing -which they may or may not see- they have not a clue what I was and what I am now.  I have been feeling guilty about work - I know deep down I can't but it is what it is.  I always hated that phrase "it is what it is" - it is so much more than that.  It is never so black and white.  I spoke to one of my docs about work and she just looked at me like I was crazy (which I am to a degree just like everyone else - maybe quirky is a better description if I offended anyone with the word crazy).  But, as I have said in previous posts, I am certifiably crazy.

I was having a lot of problems at night - being stable walking - we figured it was the combo of meds I have to take to not be crazy and the morphine for my bladder so I didn't go into painful spasms.  Messing with my head meds was a very bad idea.  I feel like there is a ping pong game going on in my head - ping (manic) pong (depressed) and it just keeps going.  I saw the head doc and told her this was not working at a lower dose.  She suggested a small move up - no go.  Had to go back to the regular dose my body was used to and worked properly with.  Now at the higher dose - I play ping pong with my body - bouncing off walls.  Which is better?  I think bouncing off walls - that is if I don't hurt myself too much.

The constants in my life keep me going - my God and my family.  Also a shout out to my prayer warriors. 

More later -