Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Crash and Burn

After not sleeping well for a week and staying up late for New Year's Eve, I crashed and burned.  I am the queen of crash and burn.  I typically sleep at least 12-18 hours.  I think I went into manic overdrive - starting with the six batches of Chex mix intermingled with two kids coming downstairs a couple of nights ago and staying up till 4, not sleeping at all on Saturday night (hyper focused on the fact I did not have a computer) and ending with watching the countdown to 2013.

I knew it was coming and I needed it badly - but one thing or another kept me manic.  Confession time:  I was diagnosed as bipolar in 2002.  I may have confessed this before but wasn't sure.  So this may be a confession repeat.  It started as a diagnoses of postpartum depression - the triplets were born in early 2002.  I struggled mightily.  The diagnoses then progressed to severe depression and then after a series of events, bipolar.  My sister was also bipolar.  My mother's father struggled with depression and my father - was just plain crazy and paranoid in his latter days.  So, I proudly come from a long list of crazy people.

Mental issues are common - but a lot of people are too scared to admit it.  I to am embarrassed about discussing it.  My family and very few, very close friends know about it.  I shouldn't be embarrassed - it is an illness that is just as real as cancer.  But it is so important to make sure your balance of meds is right.  I have had adjustments over the years based on what was going on in my life.  If you don't  feel right, don't feel yourself, please seek help.  It may just be a temporary hurdle or a lifetime diagnoses.

Typically, I lean more towards mania - which is way better than depression to me.  However, this cancer illness and all the side effects have left me with depression and anxiety.  I do well most days.  I see the proper docs.  I take my meds.  I do all the right things - but when I go manic - I go MANIC.

So went to sleep at 1 am this morning and briefly woke up around noon and then crashed until 4.  One of the major problems with this, is my lovely bladder.  When I do come to somewhat during the day, I usually do not think about my pain meds.  Not good.  So when I finally really wake up - I am in bladder heck.  But after two or three doses it settles down.

Don't hide, like I have done for years, get the help and support you need.  It does not make you a weak person or a strange person, you just have an illness like any other illness.

More later -

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