Monday, May 20, 2013

Old times, goodbye; New times, hello

I've been struggling in my life - my health, my children and a very good friend that put a halt to our friendship out of the blue.  I have been struggling on how to word this post without any more hurt to others.

My health is topsy-turvy.  I bounce from sleeping all the time to being awake too much until I hit a brick wall.  Most is due to med changes as I had previously written.  Still agitated and frustrated.  Praying for peace - but for now I can't find it.  Maybe God has given me a direction and I just haven't found it yet - looking for it in all the wrong places.  I want a safe place, a haven - a soft bed, with great sheets, a great down comforter and completely in the dark.  Climb in, curl up and get up when I can face the light again.

We went to our last family counseling last Friday.  We were talking about chore charts.  One note to remember is I have 11 year-old triplets - two boys, one girl.  Both boys sunk to the floor and stayed under the table for the better part of the session.  Their reasoning as to why they should not have to do any chores is that I have a house-cleaner who comes in once a week and does surface cleaning - vacuum, mop, clean the bathrooms.  Her job is not put their toys away, hang up clean clothes etc.  My daughter is tough - I mean really tough to deal with right now.  Love her more than life itself - but some peace I might find there too would be extremely helpful.  Chore chart back in effect tonight.  Wish me luck on follow through.  For the children and I, this is causing a great deal of tension and frustrations.

It is strange how friendship is.  Sometimes it is a friendship where you see the friend frequently.  Sometimes it is one where you go for a long while but when you do get to see that person it is like you pick up right where you left off.  Sometimes it is where the friendship slowly falls away.  Sometimes it is a friendship that comes to a screeching stop with a reason but not the complete truth.

Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it fades without any further ado.  My true friends know my heart and describe me as caring, trustworthy and loving.  I am lucky to have such a great, but small circle of friends that stand by me no matter what.

However a friendship ends - it is over, done and gone with the wind.   But the memory of an important friendship remains.

More later -

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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Lost and Found

After family counseling, every Friday night my kids go to my mom's to eat.  I dropped them off and went inside to get the Advil and ice cream my mom had bought for me.  I came home put everything away and laid down. 

On Saturday, I had some errands to run.  Couldn't find my keys to save my life.  So I used my spare set.  So for the days following, I went through everything including the garbage.  I checked the freezer too because of the ice cream that I put away.  Yesterday, I admitted defeat and was going to start replacing them.  Mom was on her way over to help me find the Cibolo Post Office.

Martha, the lady who cleans my house, can usually find anything - so I told her about my keys.  While we were in the kitchen, for whatever thought passed through my head, I looked in the freezer again.  But this time, I moved things around and taking things out.  Martha and I heard the jingle of my keys and dug them out.  So for the 4 days I drove myself nuts, my keys were happily freezing.  Found.

Mind - lost.  If you find it, please let me know.

More later -

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Friday, May 3, 2013

Rough Road

This week has been tough.  I had a fender bender this week in the parent line to pick up the kiddos at school.  Paint damage, no one hurt - so all is ok.  Then later in the week I got a roofing nail in one of my tires .  Went to get it fixed and completely forgot that I have wheel locks on the tires.  Three days after I got my Tahoe it ended up on blocks - so when I got all new tires and wheels - I had the put on tire locks.  Not fun.  So finally got it taken care of yesterday.

Struggling with meds still.  It is a cluster.  We have lowered my pain meds - not so good.  I feel my bladder all mid-day on.  I have had to take a lot more break through morphine pain meds.  Before I spoke with my pain docs office, I had cut them down myself.  That night I had massive diarrhea and I was soaked with sweat.  The diarrhea is from cut down on meds because those meds usually constipate people but for me it allows me to eat gummy bears.  I saw my head doc and she gave me a sheet that explains withdrawals from opiates.  One of them was the sweating and a couple other things listed I was having.  Talk about a walk in the park.

Struggling with a lot right now.  Not sure why - but not handling things as normal.  I feel defeated, extremely agitated as well as frustrated beyond words.  Not a good mix.  Even when my computer went a little crazy - I was climbing the walls.  Or my kitchen being dirty - waiting for the kids to pick up their selves or getting the kids out the door on time in the morning - send me over the edge.  I have to walk out of the room because I usually fall into tears - it worries the kids and my little red head is so sweet - he comes up to me and asks if I want a hug and I always take the hug.

I just want peace. I want to get to a place that my pain isn't so extreme but as good as it can without all the bad repercussions.  I want to want to do things - even fun things.  I am going to lunch with two good friends tomorrow - hoping bouncing things off them or just having an outlet for my feelings will be fun and helpful.  But I have to force myself to do good things for me.  My kids are well taken care of - I want to be well taken care of.

More later -

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