Struggling with meds still. It is a cluster. We have lowered my pain meds - not so good. I feel my bladder all mid-day on. I have had to take a lot more break through morphine pain meds. Before I spoke with my pain docs office, I had cut them down myself. That night I had massive diarrhea and I was soaked with sweat. The diarrhea is from cut down on meds because those meds usually constipate people but for me it allows me to eat gummy bears. I saw my head doc and she gave me a sheet that explains withdrawals from opiates. One of them was the sweating and a couple other things listed I was having. Talk about a walk in the park.
Struggling with a lot right now. Not sure why - but not handling things as normal. I feel defeated, extremely agitated as well as frustrated beyond words. Not a good mix. Even when my computer went a little crazy - I was climbing the walls. Or my kitchen being dirty - waiting for the kids to pick up their selves or getting the kids out the door on time in the morning - send me over the edge. I have to walk out of the room because I usually fall into tears - it worries the kids and my little red head is so sweet - he comes up to me and asks if I want a hug and I always take the hug.
I just want peace. I want to get to a place that my pain isn't so extreme but as good as it can without all the bad repercussions. I want to want to do things - even fun things. I am going to lunch with two good friends tomorrow - hoping bouncing things off them or just having an outlet for my feelings will be fun and helpful. But I have to force myself to do good things for me. My kids are well taken care of - I want to be well taken care of.
More later -
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