In hiding

Being crazy isn't easy.  I have mentioned before that I have been diagnosed as bipolar.  I have been rapid cycling which means going from manic to depressed and back and forth.  When you crash from mania to depression, it is a hard landing. 

When I went on medicare and got supplemental insurance, I have had a difficult time finding a doctor and really didn't try that hard.  I had plenty of my mood stabilizers but had run out of my antidepressant made specifically for bipolar people.  I had an appointment today - I did not make it.  I had crashed Tuesday night and stayed crashed until this morning.

Not good.  I missed my feed bag and missed my morphine.  Missing both has bad consequences.  I felt like a fragile fall leaf.  You get immediate morphine withdrawals - not fun.  Missing the feed bag makes you feel like you are completely depleted.  I almost feel 3 times.  Had to cancel 2 appointments - which stinks as one was for a psychiatrist.  I desperately need  antidepressants.

I feel like Alice who dropped down the rabbit hole.  I know I will get to the doc eventually.  Can't wait for that.  So if you wonder where I have been - been in hiding - extremely depressed.  It is getting better but the meds would be so much better.

I have been sick a lot lately - something is amiss.  I am seeing the oncologist at the end of March.  It is time for a body scan.  Curious and scared at the same time.

My mom came over to take me to the doc but I could barely move.  So lucky to have her here to help.

More later -