Some days are harder than others

I am so looking forward to the New Year and what it might bring.

I had a follow up appointment with my Oncologist on the 27th.  I got there in time to ride up the elevator with him.  He patted me on the back as he spoke to another doc on the phone.  I know it is rude to talk to someone while they are on the phone (I tell my children this all the time) - but I couldn't help myself.  I told him that he was not allowed to hurt me ever again - he just smiled.

I got signed in.  Paid my co-pay.  Went to the ladies room.  Came back out to wait in the waiting room only to hear the receptionist make the following announcement:  "The doc is behind on two procedures at the hospital as it was the hospitals fault as they were not turning beds fast enough."  As there were about 4 people ahead of me, I decided not to waste 2-3 hours to see him.  Will try again on the 5th. 

However I spoke with the nurses and he actually called me back.  They are concerned with my intestines and other girl parts in the PET/CT scan.  They want to repeat it in three months.  This test is very costly and they usually run it once a year.  Something to look forward to.

My children are with their father this week.  I had left two messages for them.  I finally got a return call tonight.  Sarah then told me how she cried the first two nights because she missed me - hurts my heart.  They are coming home the first of January.   Even though they drive  me a bit crazy - I miss them so much.

Her IPod touch got here today.  She had shattered the screen so badly that they just sent a new one.  No touching them until they have covers.  But she was excited to know she got a new one waiting for her.

Here is where it gets hard.  The last couple of years have been completely brutal at times.  So much about my life - like the fun stuff is gone.  I will never get them back.  For some reason, after the excitement of unwrapping the gifts, I go into a holiday funk.  Need to get that figured out.

I have to remind myself that this is in God's hands.  I am thankful that I have my life and can still raise my children.  I am thankful for my mother - she has been there every minute of the way holding my hand.  I am thankful for all those praying for me.   I know you have God's ear - but His will will be done.  I have faith in that.

Happy New Year to all of you!  I wish you the best of love, life and health.

More later -

What's up?

I hope all of you had the best of the Holidays! I hope you were able to share them with those that you love.

I did.  The trips  were over the moon excited.  They received IPod touches - you would think the world stopped and the screaming began.  I did something very, very foolish - well make that two:

1.  Since the gift was from Santa I did not get cases for them.  Of course Sarah drops hers on the tiled kitchen floor.  Oh the tears began.  They stopped once I told her that I would pay for the repair.  She broke it on Christmas afternoon.  So I went on line and set up a time for them to call me.  So all is good.  They said take it to UPS and I would have it back two days later.  So she thought we should go Monday - no way.  I thought the traffic would be bad.  It got to UPS today.  Funny thing is that she is at her fathers for the week so she won't be here when it gets here.

2.  I gave them my iTunes account password.  Bad, bad, bad decision.  Somehow they loaded a phone app and a text app.  I received calls an texts All day long.  Lessons learned.

More later -

Results!

Everything  on the PET/CT appears clear!  There is a little bit of uptake in the intestines, but the doc thinks it is just the intestinal damage from the radiation and the surgery that was done.  Big sigh of relief. 
Thanks for the many, many prayers!  Merry Christmas!

I hate waiting

Just like children who think Christmas will never get here - I can still remember in second grade going up a set of stairs that had a big Christmas tree in the middle thinking I couldn't stand it a moment longer.  Let me at the presents!

Now at 42, I still hate waiting.  The years fly by.  But waiting on the results of my PET/CT scan drives me bonkers like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.

I have a call into the oncologist office.  I am crossing my fingers that they will call me back today.  I have been so paranoid that I will miss the call that I am taking my cell phone into the bathroom with me every time I pee - which is about hourly these days.  But NOPE - no call yet.  I will let you know as soon as I know.

More later -

Annual PET/CT scan

I am having my annual PET/CT scan Monday, Dec. 12th, morning.  You are supposed to eat a high protein dinner (right - like that will work).  Then you cannot have sugar or sugar substitutes 6 hours prior to the exam.  They give you IV sugar solution and you have to wait an hour.  Then they do a PET and CT scan layered over each other.  The scan will show uptakes of sugar in areas that there is cancer.  Pretty amazing technology and how our bodies work.

I was clear last year.  I am praying for the same this year.  I will let y'all know the results as soon as I find out.

Thanks for the shout outs of love and prayers - they are truly appreciated.

More later -

Monday Dec. 5th's Procedure (not for those who get grossed out easily)

Hi All -

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted and have not kept you up to date on Monday's procedure.  This post may be too much information for some - stop reading here if ya can't take it.

Prior to them putting me under on Monday, I got a chance to talk to the doc (usual practice).  I asked him if he was going to hurt me more or less than the last procedure and he replied way more.  Jeez - thanks a million.  As I sit here posting this, I am sitting on an egg crate donut.  Last procedure was scalpels and stitches - this time laser.

Lasers burn away tissue - this is where it is about to get really ugly.  I had precancerous lesions on the inside and out.  About half way up the vaginal canal, I had thick scar tissue from radiation.  He had to pull it apart and stretch it before it could laser it.  Having tissue lasered up inside of you isn't so bad.

I was still healing from the last procedure when he did the wide area incisions on the outside and still had dissolvable stitches that had not yet dissolved.  No biggie.  He burned so much of the outside parts away that I woke up and wanted to hurt somebody badly.  I am so raw and burned - not even joking.  I bled like heck the first day.  The bleeding has slowed down but there is still plenty of it.

Tried my first Sitz bath yesterday.  Jury is still out on that one.  Prescriptions and instructions I left with:

1.  Leave in packing for 10-11 hours
2.  Pickup Ocean something from a pet store
3.  Pickup a Sitz bath from a specialty pharmacy that carries supplies
4.  Hydrocodone (with a refill - refills on this is rare for outpatient procedures because the pain is usually gone before you need a refill - so I took this as not so good of a sign)
5.  Morphine
6.  Burn cream - twice a day

In between times of the burn cream, I coat the outside with Vaseline so that it does not burn so bad to urinate.  And unfortunately with the radiation damage to the bladder, I urinate at least once every hour to an hour and a half.  Happy peeing - NOT.

Taking out the packing was PAINFUL - it had to pass the area he stretched out and then lasered - must of been thirty feet of it - it went on and on.  I grinned and I bared it (more like three feet of it) and cried through it.

I take pretty high doses of morphine for the bladder damage so I did not even fill that script - I had bigger guns at home.  Did fill the hydrocodone as the two drugs work differently and they work better together (no I am not a druggie - just take them as prescribed and it usually works although I do have morphine for break through pain).

So to sum up Monday's procedure - it stunk and is still taking it's toll.

I have been down until today.  Had to see the urologist as there has been blood in my urine.  My mom took me and I took my donut (if you do not know what a donut is, ask any women that has had a child vaginally and she can explain it to you or google it).  The urologist was not concerned about the blood in my urine - typical of bladder radiation damage.  Check that off the list.

After the doc, we had to make a quick stop at HEB.  Mom did most of the work.  I was dying when I got home even though I had taken my prescribed meds at the prescribed times.  Time for break through pain morphine.  I will not lie - I have a pretty HIGH tolerance for pain - but this takes the cake and the icing and the ice cream and anything else you can think of - cool whip maybe?.  Thank God for my mom, that I did not wake up with a poop or pee bag and for just giving me another day.  I am going back down for at least 3-4 more days!

Thanks to all the prayer warriors out there - I soooo appreciate the prayers.

I am due for a PET/CT scan which will show if the cancer has moved anywhere else.  I will keep you posted on that one.  Hopefully my next post will be more merrier - tis the season to rejoice.

More later -