Sunday, August 19, 2012


Cancer is an ugly thing - I think we can all agree on that.  No matter what type of cancer it is - it takes so much and some types sooner rather than later. Just not fair.

Then the treatments - a whole other set of issues.  I can only speak to mine but some stories I have read just tear at my being.  Like children with cancer.  Or women with ovarian cancer that is almost always typically found too late.  Or brain, bone, pancreatic etc. - all so ugly.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my own cancer and how the treatments have dramatically changed my life.  I was diagnosed at 41.  At that time in my life, I was working a tough full time job, raising 8 year old triplets and going out with my previous boyfriend (most of my free time) or going out with friends.  Prior to that diagnoses, I had some surgeries due to my arthritis but all pale in comparison to what cancer has done.

I have a good attitude (most of the time) about it and a strong will to live.  But life has slowed way down and changed drastically.  No Friday happy hours, no eating out with friends, or eating in with my family and no boyfriend.  Every once in awhile, one of my kids ask if they should set a plate for me.  Breaks my heart.  And at the times I say yes, they get so excited.

I haven't (and now can't) worked since March 2011.  I have had more ambulance rides than I could count and never would have dreamed of.  Surgeries, shrunken vagina, can't eat, diarrhea if I do eat, haven't driven since June when I broke my right arm, scared waiting for results of tests, hate going to my oncologist more often than the three month follow up for the first two years after the diagnoses and on and on.

I am not looking for sympathy.  I have accepted it.  Well most of it.  One other point, I have always been pretty much a loner - so some of what I say is on me.  I had my family, a boyfriend, a few very close friends and interaction with coworkers.  It was enough for me.

With all that said, my perception and priorities have changed dramatically.  Still a loner. But my family is sooooo much more important than boyfriends, Friday night happy hours or eating food: they are my world.  I always said that before - but I didn't really understand what it truly meant until I almost lost it all a couple of times.

Sure,  I want parts of it back.  Prior to breaking my arm, I would spend a couple of hours with a very good friend of mine on the Fridays that my kids were with their father.  And I will get back to that once I can drive again.  I would like to go out but fatigue stops the "like" to not gonna happen.  Such is life.  I have what I need - my prayer warriors, my God and my family.

But at times, I feel isolated.  Some my own doing and some not.  It hurts - but a smile from one of my children or a laugh with my mom helps a ton.

Seeing arm doc Tuesday.  I will keep you posted.  BTW - I guess the swelling in my right arm had gone down.  It was after a nights sleep.  The compression cast fell down to my lower arm.  Looks like I will have a crooked arm.  But I will wear it proudly just like all my other battle scars.

More later -

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