What people don't see

Recently, I have been out twice.  I had a great time.  Nice to be out of the house after the big kaboom at the beginning of June.  What I didn't realize is how much it takes out of me.  I am probably at about 70% of what I was before June 2nd.  And before that I was probably only at 60% of what I was before this whole cancer nightmare started.

When people see me, they always say how great I look.  And maybe I do - I put on a little makeup to give a little color to my face.  I am also appreciative of the compliment.  They see the cast and the port.  What they don't see is the amount of pain meds I am on to even feel okay enough to go out.  While I am out, I do not take any meds as I will be driving.  Also when I go out, I don't drink anything other than diet coke.  Just can't do it.

I always think - I can do anything I want.  But when I do, my bladder gets aggravated and spasms, my broken arm aches and I wear down quickly. 

What people don't see or don't want to see, is that I am a sick person.  It is even hard for me to admit that I am not at 100%.  If I don't stay laying down and resting all the time, my body rebels and that is when I get the hard reminder that I ain't what I used to be.

Just want to be normal - or what my docs say is to create a new normal definition for myself.  It is just so hard to do.

I guess at the end of the day, I rather people see the old me.  I just wish I truly was the old me.

More later -