A year ago

Hi all,

I went to the doctor yesterday.  As I was walking into the building, I was thinking about the past when any time I went to the doctor, my mom had to go get a wheel chair to roll me in.  I had absolutely no energy and was too weak to walk.  I would get in the examination room and lay on their exam bed.  That is all I could handle.  I remember just crying all the time.

So when I went to my appointment, the nurse practitioner and I were talking about my color in my face not being so gray anymore and how the little bit of weight I had put on looked made me look so much better.  I feel better.  I am not 100% and don't think I ever will be but in comparison to last year I am so much better.  Just wish I could eat without bad consequences.

This has left me with a thought - have I truly expressed my gratitude?  I am thankful to God for listening to my prayers and prayers of others.  I am thankful to my Mom for taking care of the triplets and I on the darkest of days.  I am thankful to the many prayer warriors out there - some known and some not - that prayed for me.  I am thankful that I feel good today.

So as I walk today and take my son to the doctor - I will be thankful that I am able to do so.  I know my limits - good for about two days and then crash and burn for a day.  But I am thankful that I had those two good days.

So with a full heart of gratitude, thank you God and all the prayers that have brought me this far!

More later -

Where has the time gone???

Been a little busy around here with two kitties.  But we are all having a blast with them.  Just having them play, get sleepy, grooming them has brought me so much joy - which I needed badly.  I went a bit manic and bought two more - money??? 401K - stupid I know, but I thought about it for days when the kitties pictures were posted for sale and feel in love all over again.  They will be here a week from tomorrow.  Duke and Delilah will be joined by Dusty and Daisy.  Not sure how we got on the letter "D" for their first names.  The only other cat I would buy is a pure chocolate - I will be the old lady in the house surrounded by cats!

Went to the oncologist.  My pap results are still showing high grade dysplasia - no big news - always one step from cancer.  But, I rather be one step away than not.  I showed the doc the two spots I was concerned with - he was unfazed so no biopsies.

I did however bring up another issue with him.  I asked what transgender people do when they want to change their bodies.  He explained they would cut out a heart shape graph from right underneath my ribs and form a vagina.  I asked what would happen to my bladder - he said that I would not have an external bag but then I forgot to where he said that a line would be threaded - so not sure how urine would be expelled from my body.  Once healed, I would HAVE to used the dilators - which I have learned my lesson or I would not be in the predicament I am in.  It would give me a chance of feeling like a complete woman again.  I have been praying about it and beg you to do the same.

I want to do it by 8/31 before I go on Medicare on 9/1.  I will keep you posted as I explore this path.

Hope you're all having a great 4th of July!

More later -

New furbabies

I decided to get new kittens to be lovebugs when the house is so quiet.  Everyone in the house has fallen in love.

 

 

Sarah is holding Delilah and in the second picture Duke is playing with Delilah.  They are such a joy. 

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New day

It has been way too long since I have posted - which is good news - I am still leveled out.  Still have to get my pain meds for my bladder worked out - which will happen by the end of this month.

Seeing oncologist this Friday - never fun.  I have two spots that are concerning me - going to ask for them to be biopsied.  Will keep you posted.

I have been in a funk for a long while.  Well that turned itself around and went a little manic.  I bought two teacup Persians.  Duke and Delilah.  They will be here around the first week in July.  It really gave my heart a lift.  I had been in a funk for so long and had given it to God.  I kept looking for direction.  Just looking at those kitten pictures helped and although I really couldn't afford it - I did it anyways.  I love them already - just waiting until they are old enough to be shipped.  They are gifts from God - finally found the direction He was leading me to.  Who knew it would be two fur-babies?  If I ever learn how to post pictures, I hope to get some pictures up in July.

Also working on getting down to my family's ranch so that I can see everyone and the trips will get to know their cousins - one of which was born the same day as they were.  So lots of positives.

Hope everyone is doing well!

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Old times, goodbye; New times, hello

I've been struggling in my life - my health, my children and a very good friend that put a halt to our friendship out of the blue.  I have been struggling on how to word this post without any more hurt to others.

My health is topsy-turvy.  I bounce from sleeping all the time to being awake too much until I hit a brick wall.  Most is due to med changes as I had previously written.  Still agitated and frustrated.  Praying for peace - but for now I can't find it.  Maybe God has given me a direction and I just haven't found it yet - looking for it in all the wrong places.  I want a safe place, a haven - a soft bed, with great sheets, a great down comforter and completely in the dark.  Climb in, curl up and get up when I can face the light again.

We went to our last family counseling last Friday.  We were talking about chore charts.  One note to remember is I have 11 year-old triplets - two boys, one girl.  Both boys sunk to the floor and stayed under the table for the better part of the session.  Their reasoning as to why they should not have to do any chores is that I have a house-cleaner who comes in once a week and does surface cleaning - vacuum, mop, clean the bathrooms.  Her job is not put their toys away, hang up clean clothes etc.  My daughter is tough - I mean really tough to deal with right now.  Love her more than life itself - but some peace I might find there too would be extremely helpful.  Chore chart back in effect tonight.  Wish me luck on follow through.  For the children and I, this is causing a great deal of tension and frustrations.

It is strange how friendship is.  Sometimes it is a friendship where you see the friend frequently.  Sometimes it is one where you go for a long while but when you do get to see that person it is like you pick up right where you left off.  Sometimes it is where the friendship slowly falls away.  Sometimes it is a friendship that comes to a screeching stop with a reason but not the complete truth.

Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it fades without any further ado.  My true friends know my heart and describe me as caring, trustworthy and loving.  I am lucky to have such a great, but small circle of friends that stand by me no matter what.

However a friendship ends - it is over, done and gone with the wind.   But the memory of an important friendship remains.

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Lost and Found

After family counseling, every Friday night my kids go to my mom's to eat.  I dropped them off and went inside to get the Advil and ice cream my mom had bought for me.  I came home put everything away and laid down. 

On Saturday, I had some errands to run.  Couldn't find my keys to save my life.  So I used my spare set.  So for the days following, I went through everything including the garbage.  I checked the freezer too because of the ice cream that I put away.  Yesterday, I admitted defeat and was going to start replacing them.  Mom was on her way over to help me find the Cibolo Post Office.

Martha, the lady who cleans my house, can usually find anything - so I told her about my keys.  While we were in the kitchen, for whatever thought passed through my head, I looked in the freezer again.  But this time, I moved things around and taking things out.  Martha and I heard the jingle of my keys and dug them out.  So for the 4 days I drove myself nuts, my keys were happily freezing.  Found.

Mind - lost.  If you find it, please let me know.

More later -

Rough Road

This week has been tough.  I had a fender bender this week in the parent line to pick up the kiddos at school.  Paint damage, no one hurt - so all is ok.  Then later in the week I got a roofing nail in one of my tires .  Went to get it fixed and completely forgot that I have wheel locks on the tires.  Three days after I got my Tahoe it ended up on blocks - so when I got all new tires and wheels - I had the put on tire locks.  Not fun.  So finally got it taken care of yesterday.

Struggling with meds still.  It is a cluster.  We have lowered my pain meds - not so good.  I feel my bladder all mid-day on.  I have had to take a lot more break through morphine pain meds.  Before I spoke with my pain docs office, I had cut them down myself.  That night I had massive diarrhea and I was soaked with sweat.  The diarrhea is from cut down on meds because those meds usually constipate people but for me it allows me to eat gummy bears.  I saw my head doc and she gave me a sheet that explains withdrawals from opiates.  One of them was the sweating and a couple other things listed I was having.  Talk about a walk in the park.

Struggling with a lot right now.  Not sure why - but not handling things as normal.  I feel defeated, extremely agitated as well as frustrated beyond words.  Not a good mix.  Even when my computer went a little crazy - I was climbing the walls.  Or my kitchen being dirty - waiting for the kids to pick up their selves or getting the kids out the door on time in the morning - send me over the edge.  I have to walk out of the room because I usually fall into tears - it worries the kids and my little red head is so sweet - he comes up to me and asks if I want a hug and I always take the hug.

I just want peace. I want to get to a place that my pain isn't so extreme but as good as it can without all the bad repercussions.  I want to want to do things - even fun things.  I am going to lunch with two good friends tomorrow - hoping bouncing things off them or just having an outlet for my feelings will be fun and helpful.  But I have to force myself to do good things for me.  My kids are well taken care of - I want to be well taken care of.

More later -