Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year to those who love me, my friends and my readers (who probably are in one of the first two categories!)  Thank you for the love, support and prayers - couldn't of made it through the rough times and shared the good times in 2014.

I won't miss 2013 for obvious reasons.  The never ending run from cancer.  That's it.

I hope of each of you find what you are seeking - peace, love, health - whatever it may be I wish you every success.

For me no resolutions.  Just a hope and a dream to stop running from the ugly, stupid cancer.  I have already accepted the horrible consequences of the aftermath of the treatments.  Just don't want to play hide-n-seek with cancer anymore.

More later -

Holidays 2013

Another year almost gone.  Hard to believe.  What a year it has been.  My kiddos have been in PA with their father for Christmas and are due home late tomorrow.  This has been my longest break from them in the last two years.  I miss them and can't wait to see them late tomorrow night when they arrive home.  They are having a blast and that is the most important thing.

On Christmas Eve, I had another laser procedure.  I feel as if I am always on the run from cancer.  CANCER sucks.  It drains me.  The fatigue from the radiation has limited me to being two things/errands on any given day.  It wipes me out.

So early Christmas Eve morning, mom and I set out for the hospital (again).  I had my girl parts lasered.  Not the best way  to spend Christmas Eve.  But Mom was with me and the kids are away.  So it all worked out.  I hurt - I always hurt somewhere.

I was going to sleep one night after the procedure thinking what would happen if I just stopped these procedures?  Would the cancer come back?  I am so sick of them.  Later I received a text from my  11 year old daughter saying she was so glad I was alive and that she wouldn't know what she would do if I wasn't here.  That stopped my questions of continuing the procedures.  I really already knew the answers - there really isn't a choice.  Just keep fighting it.

I hope each of you had a Wonderful Christmas and all the best in the new year!

More later -

Thanksgiving

I hope each of you were able to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with those that you love.  I know there will be many that will not be able to do so - it is so sad.

As I wrote about earlier, I had a pap smear that came back bad.  He wanted to do biopsies.  Which I did so on Oct. 18th.  The biopsies showed moderate  display which in my world is great.  But, there is always a but, he still wants to do a laser procedure.  It will hurt like heck   The procedure is scheduled for Dec 24th.  Which works because the kids will be in PA.

Happy Holidays to each of you -

Life etc.

We laid my stepfather to rest on 11/4/13.  It was a beautiful gathering to say our goodbyes for now.  Since he was a Lt. Colonel, he had a beautiful caisson to bring in his casket.  The casket was covered in the United States Flag.

This was followed by the 21 gun salute, the playing of Taps, the folding of the flag, and the presentation of the flag and three bullets (On behalf of the US President signifying his service, duty and honor).  Final goodbyes were said as well as the Lords Prayer.  The group then proceeded to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch and then back to my mother's house for visiting.  Beautiful way to lay a body to rest while his soul is up in heaven - another angel watching over us.

To change subjects, I had my third round of steroid shots in my back.  Pain is gone but both feet are numb.  I am making an appointment with my neurosurgeon to explore the options.  I know the answer will be no due to my poor health.  I know they are the experts.  However, I am a huge fall risk but with two numb feet I want to drive that point home.  Do I risk having a risky surgery and a long time to heal or do I fall and break something else.

On Monday, Nov. 18th, I am going in for biopsies.  I am praying that it is not cancer and that I do not wake up hooked up to a urine bag.  Only time will tell.

And the best news of all, my mom went with my aunt and uncle to Oklahoma to go to the casinos.  I am so happy that she got out of the house and is doing something for herself.  I love her so much and want her to be ok.  She also has been going for morning walks.  I know this will take time - it is so hard losing a person that you loved dearly and even harder when it was your spouse of 32 years.  I cannot find the words to describe it as I am not feeling the same as my mom.  But, I do miss him terribly as do my children.

More later -

Update

I have gone for two injections in my back.  Really helped with the pain.  However my right foot is numb and my left foot is numb (left foot has been numb for years).  Anyhow, it makes walking interesting.  Going in on the 7th for more injections - hopefully will take care of the numbness.

Going in on the 18th for vaginal biopsies. He does them under anesthesia because they hurt so much.  I guess he is checking to see if it is cancer or displaysia.  From there, we will discuss the options.

On another note, my Stepfather, Paul, passed away in the early morning hours of Monday around 2:30 am.  He will be sorely missed.  My mom puts on a brave face while around others.  When she is alone, she has her moments. 

She said she feels lost and doesn't know what to do.  She has been his caretaker as Alzheimers took away his a lot of his ability to do things - even simple things like make a cup of coffee - he didn't remember how he liked it.  He stopped eating about 3-4 weeks ago.  My mom had had the stomach bug early last week.  She thought he had caught it.  He hadn't.  He had been bleeding internally. 

The doctors put him on a respirator and were fighting keeping his blood pressure up.  His heart stopped once but they were able to get it going again.  A nurse asked my mom if she wanted them to continue to try to keep him alive and mom said yes.  A doctor came in shortly after the nurse.  He asked mom again if she wanted them to continue to try.  My mom said - if I can get him back to where he was.  The doctor sadly said no.  My mom had to make a difficult decision to let him go.  He died peacefully unaware.

After school, I had to tell the triplets on Monday.  They took it hard.  Matthew was hit the hardest.  I kept them home on Tuesday.  A lot of tears were shed.  I sent them to school today - hoping it will be a distraction.  It is so hard to let go of those we love.  But, he is in Heaven and we will see him again.

More later -

Who would of thought at 44?

I am feeling a bit whiny - but feel justified.  In the past week, I got bad news back on my pap smear.  I also had my back go bad on me.

The bad news regarding my pap smear is that it used to be high grade displaysia (which I thought was one step from cancer but found out it is two steps from cancer) and is now severe dysplaysia (which is one step from cancer).  When I left the office, I had my normal three month appointment all set up. 

I got a message that he now wants to see me in a month.  I wanted to know why of course so I called to find out.  Once they finally got me to the nurse, I got the exciting, scary news.  Pretty bummed out on that one.  I have almost nothing left done there - what are they going to be able to cut away.  I fear I will wake up with a urine and stool bags.  I think I have posted this before but for grins I am going to repeat it as I think it is important.  Your vaginal walls are very thin and are connected to your bladder and intestines.  I have already had two or three procedures to cut away bad cells - not sure what they can do.

Also my back went out on me two weeks ago.  I had to go through the steps until the doc could do anything about it.  I could not get comfortable at all. They did prescribe me Gabapentin which is a nerve med - worked for a couple of hours and I could only take it twice a day.  I told her with all the morphine I took, I was surprised it didn't touch the pain - she said it wouldn't because it was nerve pain.  The pain was on the right side - it start on my right side of my back, it went down my buttocks, around my the groin area, down my leg to the calf and made my right foot numb.  For grins, my left foot has been numb for years.  I was trying to wear flip flops but could keep them on because of all the numbness.  So I wore slippers - not so cute, but necessary.

So I saw the doc.  They ordered a MRI - which for the SA readers - STRIC stays open until 10 pm at some of their locations.  So a week ago this past Friday (yesterday), I got my MRI at 9 o'clock at night.  Then we could schedule the steroid shots.

So Thursday was the big day - I finally got steroid shots in my back.  The doctor showed me the MRI - I couldn't tell anything but she told me that in my L4 (lower lumbar 4) which had started as a bulging disc has now broken off and is pressing on my back nerves.  I fear that it will float around and play hide and seek with my lower back nerves.  So I got two shots in my back at L4 and L5.  They give you versed and you are out and don't feel a thing.  I started cussing when they moved me to the procedure table.  The doc said "The meds must have started working because she is never like this."  LOL!  I used proper language after that.  And then I was off to la la land. 

I woke up in recovery.  I had to lay on my back for 30 minutes.  They were also giving me a bag of saline - so I had to wait for that to finish too.  I got to the procedure place at 1:15 and was unable to have anything to drink for 8 hours prior to 1:15.  I always cheat because I have severe dry mouth.  I went to the restroom before I got my gown on - cheated there too.  At least in recovery they gave me ice chips.

Mom and I were both wiped out.  We picked up food for the kids on the way home.  Mom went home - we had been gone so long and she needed to get to my stepfather who has severe Alzheimers.  My discharged orders said to lay low for the rest of the day - what a joke with 11 year old triplets.  When I finally went down I was out like a light until Friday night.  I did get the kids off to school and laid back down and was out.  I call those my lost  days.

So after all the whining, my real point is:  I am 44, the last three years have been hell.  I should be at the prime of my life.  I should be working, going out with friends, and in general doing fun things.  I do have a good time the few times I can muster the strength to get out to see friends.  But it takes a toll on me.  I know that God is with me.  I will continue to pray and I appreciate all those that pray for me.

More later -

Three 6th graders

School is in full swing.  I have three 11 year olds who could all be straight A students but only one who chooses to do so.  The other two do their homework, put it in their homework folder and suddenly lose it when it comes time to turn it in.  I have taken things away.  I have put them on restriction and other sorts of punishment to no avail.

What am I doing wrong?  They are so smart.  How do I motivate them?  It is beyond frustrating.

The old back has given out - going for steroid shots tomorrow.  Praying that it takes effect straight away.

Finally, getting the kids to the coast soon.  Hope I can do it on my own.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Wednesday!

More later -

Kelly

Moving at a slow pace

This summer has done me in.  I am doing more things on my own or with the kiddos.  Having the kids around helps - they help with groceries etc.  But, even with their help the heat just exhausts me.  I am good for 2 or 3 errands and then I get shaky and have to get home and lay down.  I get dizzy and shaky - it worries Sarah and she holds my arm - too sweet.

Learning my limits - hard to give into a body that doesn't work like it should or once did.  Last night I dreamed that I could not breathe - scared me.  Due to all of this, time to see the doc.  I will be calling tomorrow.

I had promised the kids I would take them to the beach this summer - didn't work out that way.  But I have made reservations for after labor day when rates go down.  Pray that I can do it on my own.  We are going in late September.

The kids went with their father to visit his family in PA.  They went early August and were gone for a week - as much as I love them, it was so nice to have peace and quiet.  The best part is they had a blast!  It was much cooler there and they would wrap themselves up in towels after swimming.  They are never gone over night for weekends but he does pick them up Saturday or Sunday and takes them to Fiesta Texas for the better part of the day.

Still loving the furbabies - they are fun to watch.  I groom them each morning - two I have to feed treats to keep them still enough so that I can comb them out.  One of them just licks you when you scratch her neck.  Oh, I got two more!  Big kitty, CP, over looking all the new additions.  Ash hanging out on the scratching curve, all four getting their wet food that we use to mix their vitamins in and diva of them all Piper.   If you are wondering about the blue neck collars - they both had some issues with their spaying/neutering.

Next week is Meet the Teacher night!  The kids are excited - not about the school part- but about seeing their friends. 

More later -

A year ago

Hi all,

I went to the doctor yesterday.  As I was walking into the building, I was thinking about the past when any time I went to the doctor, my mom had to go get a wheel chair to roll me in.  I had absolutely no energy and was too weak to walk.  I would get in the examination room and lay on their exam bed.  That is all I could handle.  I remember just crying all the time.

So when I went to my appointment, the nurse practitioner and I were talking about my color in my face not being so gray anymore and how the little bit of weight I had put on looked made me look so much better.  I feel better.  I am not 100% and don't think I ever will be but in comparison to last year I am so much better.  Just wish I could eat without bad consequences.

This has left me with a thought - have I truly expressed my gratitude?  I am thankful to God for listening to my prayers and prayers of others.  I am thankful to my Mom for taking care of the triplets and I on the darkest of days.  I am thankful to the many prayer warriors out there - some known and some not - that prayed for me.  I am thankful that I feel good today.

So as I walk today and take my son to the doctor - I will be thankful that I am able to do so.  I know my limits - good for about two days and then crash and burn for a day.  But I am thankful that I had those two good days.

So with a full heart of gratitude, thank you God and all the prayers that have brought me this far!

More later -

Where has the time gone???

Been a little busy around here with two kitties.  But we are all having a blast with them.  Just having them play, get sleepy, grooming them has brought me so much joy - which I needed badly.  I went a bit manic and bought two more - money??? 401K - stupid I know, but I thought about it for days when the kitties pictures were posted for sale and feel in love all over again.  They will be here a week from tomorrow.  Duke and Delilah will be joined by Dusty and Daisy.  Not sure how we got on the letter "D" for their first names.  The only other cat I would buy is a pure chocolate - I will be the old lady in the house surrounded by cats!

Went to the oncologist.  My pap results are still showing high grade dysplasia - no big news - always one step from cancer.  But, I rather be one step away than not.  I showed the doc the two spots I was concerned with - he was unfazed so no biopsies.

I did however bring up another issue with him.  I asked what transgender people do when they want to change their bodies.  He explained they would cut out a heart shape graph from right underneath my ribs and form a vagina.  I asked what would happen to my bladder - he said that I would not have an external bag but then I forgot to where he said that a line would be threaded - so not sure how urine would be expelled from my body.  Once healed, I would HAVE to used the dilators - which I have learned my lesson or I would not be in the predicament I am in.  It would give me a chance of feeling like a complete woman again.  I have been praying about it and beg you to do the same.

I want to do it by 8/31 before I go on Medicare on 9/1.  I will keep you posted as I explore this path.

Hope you're all having a great 4th of July!

More later -

New furbabies

I decided to get new kittens to be lovebugs when the house is so quiet.  Everyone in the house has fallen in love.

 

 

Sarah is holding Delilah and in the second picture Duke is playing with Delilah.  They are such a joy. 

More later -

New day

It has been way too long since I have posted - which is good news - I am still leveled out.  Still have to get my pain meds for my bladder worked out - which will happen by the end of this month.

Seeing oncologist this Friday - never fun.  I have two spots that are concerning me - going to ask for them to be biopsied.  Will keep you posted.

I have been in a funk for a long while.  Well that turned itself around and went a little manic.  I bought two teacup Persians.  Duke and Delilah.  They will be here around the first week in July.  It really gave my heart a lift.  I had been in a funk for so long and had given it to God.  I kept looking for direction.  Just looking at those kitten pictures helped and although I really couldn't afford it - I did it anyways.  I love them already - just waiting until they are old enough to be shipped.  They are gifts from God - finally found the direction He was leading me to.  Who knew it would be two fur-babies?  If I ever learn how to post pictures, I hope to get some pictures up in July.

Also working on getting down to my family's ranch so that I can see everyone and the trips will get to know their cousins - one of which was born the same day as they were.  So lots of positives.

Hope everyone is doing well!

More later -

Old times, goodbye; New times, hello

I've been struggling in my life - my health, my children and a very good friend that put a halt to our friendship out of the blue.  I have been struggling on how to word this post without any more hurt to others.

My health is topsy-turvy.  I bounce from sleeping all the time to being awake too much until I hit a brick wall.  Most is due to med changes as I had previously written.  Still agitated and frustrated.  Praying for peace - but for now I can't find it.  Maybe God has given me a direction and I just haven't found it yet - looking for it in all the wrong places.  I want a safe place, a haven - a soft bed, with great sheets, a great down comforter and completely in the dark.  Climb in, curl up and get up when I can face the light again.

We went to our last family counseling last Friday.  We were talking about chore charts.  One note to remember is I have 11 year-old triplets - two boys, one girl.  Both boys sunk to the floor and stayed under the table for the better part of the session.  Their reasoning as to why they should not have to do any chores is that I have a house-cleaner who comes in once a week and does surface cleaning - vacuum, mop, clean the bathrooms.  Her job is not put their toys away, hang up clean clothes etc.  My daughter is tough - I mean really tough to deal with right now.  Love her more than life itself - but some peace I might find there too would be extremely helpful.  Chore chart back in effect tonight.  Wish me luck on follow through.  For the children and I, this is causing a great deal of tension and frustrations.

It is strange how friendship is.  Sometimes it is a friendship where you see the friend frequently.  Sometimes it is one where you go for a long while but when you do get to see that person it is like you pick up right where you left off.  Sometimes it is where the friendship slowly falls away.  Sometimes it is a friendship that comes to a screeching stop with a reason but not the complete truth.

Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it fades without any further ado.  My true friends know my heart and describe me as caring, trustworthy and loving.  I am lucky to have such a great, but small circle of friends that stand by me no matter what.

However a friendship ends - it is over, done and gone with the wind.   But the memory of an important friendship remains.

More later -

Lost and Found

After family counseling, every Friday night my kids go to my mom's to eat.  I dropped them off and went inside to get the Advil and ice cream my mom had bought for me.  I came home put everything away and laid down. 

On Saturday, I had some errands to run.  Couldn't find my keys to save my life.  So I used my spare set.  So for the days following, I went through everything including the garbage.  I checked the freezer too because of the ice cream that I put away.  Yesterday, I admitted defeat and was going to start replacing them.  Mom was on her way over to help me find the Cibolo Post Office.

Martha, the lady who cleans my house, can usually find anything - so I told her about my keys.  While we were in the kitchen, for whatever thought passed through my head, I looked in the freezer again.  But this time, I moved things around and taking things out.  Martha and I heard the jingle of my keys and dug them out.  So for the 4 days I drove myself nuts, my keys were happily freezing.  Found.

Mind - lost.  If you find it, please let me know.

More later -

Rough Road

This week has been tough.  I had a fender bender this week in the parent line to pick up the kiddos at school.  Paint damage, no one hurt - so all is ok.  Then later in the week I got a roofing nail in one of my tires .  Went to get it fixed and completely forgot that I have wheel locks on the tires.  Three days after I got my Tahoe it ended up on blocks - so when I got all new tires and wheels - I had the put on tire locks.  Not fun.  So finally got it taken care of yesterday.

Struggling with meds still.  It is a cluster.  We have lowered my pain meds - not so good.  I feel my bladder all mid-day on.  I have had to take a lot more break through morphine pain meds.  Before I spoke with my pain docs office, I had cut them down myself.  That night I had massive diarrhea and I was soaked with sweat.  The diarrhea is from cut down on meds because those meds usually constipate people but for me it allows me to eat gummy bears.  I saw my head doc and she gave me a sheet that explains withdrawals from opiates.  One of them was the sweating and a couple other things listed I was having.  Talk about a walk in the park.

Struggling with a lot right now.  Not sure why - but not handling things as normal.  I feel defeated, extremely agitated as well as frustrated beyond words.  Not a good mix.  Even when my computer went a little crazy - I was climbing the walls.  Or my kitchen being dirty - waiting for the kids to pick up their selves or getting the kids out the door on time in the morning - send me over the edge.  I have to walk out of the room because I usually fall into tears - it worries the kids and my little red head is so sweet - he comes up to me and asks if I want a hug and I always take the hug.

I just want peace. I want to get to a place that my pain isn't so extreme but as good as it can without all the bad repercussions.  I want to want to do things - even fun things.  I am going to lunch with two good friends tomorrow - hoping bouncing things off them or just having an outlet for my feelings will be fun and helpful.  But I have to force myself to do good things for me.  My kids are well taken care of - I want to be well taken care of.

More later -

Avoidance

I put off a lot of things for all kinds of reasons.  The biggest one lately has been my extreme fatigue and probably other things I don't realize or am in denial about.  One of the biggest things that have been bugging me to death is the fact that I can't work.

I have worked from the age of 12 doing various things - mostly babysitting when I was young, working at grocery stores, waitress etc. up through college.  Once I started my professional career, I climbed the ladder.  I always busted my chops and worked as hard as I could.  Then cancer put up a huge stop sign on my life.

So many things that I wanted to do in life and with my children went poof - gone in a second.  The second that my gynecologist who was crying when she called me the day after my hysterectomy to tell me that I had stage 2 cervical cancer.  What? - can you repeat that I said through tears.  I had no idea what was to come.  I am glad I didn't.  It was brutal.  At least I am on this side of it.

The changes in my life from May 2010 till now are so vast.  They have slipped slowly through my hands like a hand full of sand one grain at a time.  The slow realization that as the sand slipped through my fingers that I would never get them back.  There are tears in my eyes right now - little pity party as I write this.

People look at me and other than my port dressing -which they may or may not see- they have not a clue what I was and what I am now.  I have been feeling guilty about work - I know deep down I can't but it is what it is.  I always hated that phrase "it is what it is" - it is so much more than that.  It is never so black and white.  I spoke to one of my docs about work and she just looked at me like I was crazy (which I am to a degree just like everyone else - maybe quirky is a better description if I offended anyone with the word crazy).  But, as I have said in previous posts, I am certifiably crazy.

I was having a lot of problems at night - being stable walking - we figured it was the combo of meds I have to take to not be crazy and the morphine for my bladder so I didn't go into painful spasms.  Messing with my head meds was a very bad idea.  I feel like there is a ping pong game going on in my head - ping (manic) pong (depressed) and it just keeps going.  I saw the head doc and told her this was not working at a lower dose.  She suggested a small move up - no go.  Had to go back to the regular dose my body was used to and worked properly with.  Now at the higher dose - I play ping pong with my body - bouncing off walls.  Which is better?  I think bouncing off walls - that is if I don't hurt myself too much.

The constants in my life keep me going - my God and my family.  Also a shout out to my prayer warriors. 

More later -

Sunday Creager Times take 2

About 5 minutes after I posted, I was juggling getting dinner and laundry - told the two that were outside that dinner would be ready in 10-15 minutes.  They said ok.

I went to take the darks out of the dryer - melted brown crayon -- enough said.

The two who were outside came home 20-25 minutes after dinner time.  I hollered out the door for them three or four times.

The excuse of I didn't hear you is now off limits in this house.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday evening!

More later -

Creager Sunday Times

Everyone is home.  Daniel spent the weekend at my mom's house and Sarah spent Saturday night with a friend.  It is so much quieter with just one kid gone.

I enjoyed going to see my good friend, Cathy, on Friday night.  It helped to lift the some of fog and weight on my shoulders.  It was good to laugh and talk to an adult.  I usually spend my time breaking up fights.

Thanks to all those that are praying for my health - it has maintained for 8 months now.  No 911 calls, no hospital visits etc.  Still have a lot of doctor appointments - but I will take those any day over a hospital stay or an emergency.  Also a thank you to a reader who sent me hugs - made me smile.

Almost dinner time.  I am making two things to save the peace.  Yes I am a pushover - need to work on that.

Hope all of you had a great weekend!

More later -

Been in a Funk

I don't when it started - a month or so ago.  For some reason, everything I do seems like I have a heavy weight on my shoulders and the world is closing in.  Not a good feeling - depression is not fun.
I did have lunch this week (barely ate anything - maybe 4 -6 small bites and my body said nope) - but it was so worth it to see friends.  But on the flip side it took everything I had to get the out of the house.

Tonight I am going to see another friend - again don't want to leave the house, but I will.  And I will enjoy it when I get there - it is just the getting there.  Being bipolar stinks - I usually fall to the manic side (which is fun!) and rarely to the depression side (sucks).  But here I am - not drowning yet and praying (a lot) that this will end soon.

I have had the kids straight since January - no breaks except when one of them wants to spend the night at my mom's house.  Don't take me wrong - I love my children very, very much.  But I miss those 4 days of peace a month.  The whining and fighting goes right up my spine.  I am not perfect - I don't always handle it like I should - and I so regret it later.  They deserve to be told what they did wrong, how to handle it the next time, work at it and listen to me. 

When there are three of them, all talking at once you can't tell heads from tails.  Anyway, enough about that.  I will keep praying about it and try to remember to leave it in God's hands.

I have been doing so much better.  Only bad issues are I am wibbley wobbley and lose my balance and am afraid I will fall, the fatigue is out of this world and have found two small bumps that I need to show the oncologist.  I am sure he will biopsy both - not looking forward to that.   I also have just ignored getting my mammogram - need to get that done. 

I know I haven't blogged in a while - I have just been hiding.  I need to rejoin the world as small as I keep it - it is enough for me.  Yesterday I finished the last of my dental work.  Hopefully no more 6 cavities at one time.  At least I am blogging - a good first step.

More later -

Oh No!

Something very silly after the fact - but hurt and scared myself first.  I was sitting on the couch and went to stand up.  I wasn't watching my feedbag line and pulled the needle out of the port in my chest.  I was waiting for blood etc.  Nothing exciting except the sting of pulling it out.  But I panicked and after I called for a nurse to be sent out, I called my mom.  My poor mom, I call her for any little thing. 

What an exciting life I lead. I also have been on one of my sleep binges due to fatigue. I hate it.  I feel like I miss so much but I physically cannot help it.  Thank goodness for my mom stepping in whenever I need it.

Other things are wibbly wobbly.  But over all doing good.

Sorry for the short post - but it really has been quiet.

More later -

Pain Management Doc Appointment

Hi All -

Just a short post.  I went to the doc yesterday, they told me my color has come back to my skin and I don't look grey anymore.  I will take it.  That is the second doctor that has told me that.  I really think it is due to no hospital stays, no broken arm, no procedures to cut away more dangerous tissue in the last 8-9 months.  I really have had a long run of time to heal - what a blessing.

We so take advantage of our health - even me.  I have had a good long run without any major crisis and I am so grateful.

Also while I was at the doc, she said she had been laid out by some type of sinus infection and had taken to bed all day.  She thought as she laid there, feeling sorry for herself, of all the patients she sees who have tough illnesses and what a big baby she was being.

I often hear this.  Someone comparing their small illness to my big illness.  I told her that it was okay to not feel good and feel sorry for herself due to it.  It is the bags we carry.  Some are small, some are big and some are extremely deadly.  It is just a bag and how we react to it.  I told her not to feel bad about it and not compare one bag to another's bag.  We are all different and get dealt a different set of cards.  I feel no animosity about it. 

It is just the way we carry our loads.

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Surviving Spring Break

This last week was Spring Break.  Unfortunately my children do not know how to entertain their selves all the time.  For the last three nights of it, I had 4 kids in my house - you say what's the big deal you already have three?  Add in another girl and the decibel level in the house goes wayyyyy up.
But they had fun - that is the point.

Yesterday was the triplets birthday.  Hard to believe the years have flown so quickly - 11 years.  I went through the IVF process and I remember it start to finish as if it were yesterday.  Happy Birthday Daniel, Sarah and Matthew.  It is funny how I always put their names in birth order.

I am going to go get my last three filings today.  Can't wait.  My health has seemed to level off.  The fatigue is still a bug-a-boo and hits me at inappropriate times.  Since I change up the meds, I haven't fallen - so grateful for that.  Thanks for all the continued prayers.

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A week in review

Wow - what a week.  I take a lot of meds - most of them have a side effect of making you sleepy.  So in the middle of the night when I get up, I fall or slam into walls.  Fun stuff.  That was one of the reasons I went to the dentist.  I had slammed my body up against the left side of my body and had a huge left chin bump - swollen and red.  Chin a ok but 6 cavity fillings to come.  I had three earlier this week and will have the next three next week.

I took another bad fall early Tuesday morning about two am.  I was trying to make it  back to the couch - yes, I was  using my walker.  I missed the couch and went to the floor hard.  I just happened to have an appointment I made with my primary physician.  My ribs HURT.  We did a couple of things.  Cut down one med.  He looked at my last results and he did not like my kidney function results plus I had gained 10 pounds in a very short time.  When you gain more than 5 pounds while on a feed bag it is concerning - it means your body is not functioning well in absorbing the TPN.  So between my weight gain and my kidney results, he took me off the feed bag and put me on Lasik (makes you pee all your extra fluid retention out).  So I had a three day vacay from TPN (it was nice to not have to hook up) and peed a lot.  I lost 11 pounds in three days - so now I am off the Lasik.  And lastly, I had a chest x-ray and all was well - nothing broken.

I saw my psychiatrist Friday.  We stuck with the cut down in one med and went up on another.  It is an anti-depressant approved for bipolar patients.  If you give just regular anti-depressants to a bi-polar patient, it typically makes them very manic - when this happens to me I don't sleep well and I spend tons of money (that I do not have).  So we will see what the increase in the med does.  I will let you know.

Kids are on spring break - yay!  Nice thing is not getting up at 6 am to make sure they get ready and take them to school.  Bad thing is - the constant fighting.  Just had to diffuse one. We will see how it goes.

Hope your Spring Break, if applicable, is a good one. 

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What do teeth have to due with Cancer???

It really is just another side effect.  Due to my being fed through the feed bag, I do not eat foods that provide fluids our bodies need.  Yes, I drink diet coke all day - but it is not enough.  The dentist said water won't help either.  My mouth feels dry all day long.  He gave me some Biotene mouth rinse with so I will try it.  I wake to go to the bathroom at night I first have to have something I can drink before any thing else.

I went to the dentist this last week because the left side of my chin was swollen and red - and it hurt like heck.  After I had made the appointment, I noticed a red sore spot on my left clavicle.  So you ask, what does this all affect my teeth.  I am getting there. At night when I have had all my meds, I don't walk so great.  I recalled slamming into the wall - thus the soreness on my chin and clavicle.  I now use my walker at night - it has helped some.  Only problem with it is that it does not fit into the guest bathroom.  For example, I went to sit down and my back hit the lid of the toilet all the way down - hurt.

But I went anyhow - just in case.  Jaw was good.  Teeth not so good.  One of the side effects of not being able to eat, is I get dry mouth.  Thus the connection.  If there is a side effect, I will get it (I know I have said this before but it is so true).  The dryness causes cavities.  I haven't had a cavity for so long - I can't even remember.  So I have 6 cavities that need work - one of the six needs a crown.  Really???  What's next?

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Falling Apart

It has been awhile - my life went upside down for a bit.  I knew the stress of it would catch me - I just didn't know when.  Well it happened yesterday - and I was out like a light and couldn't function.  Enough about me.  This is really about some of the most important people in my life.  I would do it again no matter the consequences.

In my last post, I told you what happened to my mother - which in and of itself, can knock me down.  Then when I heard the word stroke, my mind went to the typical massive stroke.  God was watching and helping her - she had two small strokes.  You can't even tell she had a stroke - she does however look very tired and is still healing.  Thank you for the continued prayers.

Well the stress of it got me the last two days.  It really socked me hard in the stomach yesterday.  I barely made it upstairs to make sure everyone was up and getting ready for school.  I was so shaky and scared going up the stairs.  So I stopped and laid down on the playroom couch.  Daniel is usually up first, so when I heard him I asked him to bring me phone.  I dialed my mom - luckily she was awake.  So the wonder woman of Moms (who had recently had two strokes) came right over and took over.

The nurse came over at 8 am.  I was dead to the world - she banged on the door.  I finally got up.  She asked me if I wanted her to take me to the doc.  I said no.  She took my blood and vitals.  Since I was fairly lucid, she let it go and said she would call me later to check on me.  Mom picked up the kids and got them food.  I slept most of the time - but they showered and made it to bed on time.

So after almost 36 hours without meds - stress took over and I slept. I feel human today.  I hate that I am not strong enough to handle all of this. I don't know how my mom did it all when I was really sick for the last 3 years - and what it took from her.  She is truly a blessing.

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Where to Start?

Where to start?  I  was going to tell you a silly story about my daughter and "her boyfriend" of one day.  The boy then went on to have two different girlfriends the following two days.

But - in the scheme of things, that is so trivial.  Last Thursday, I couldn't get in touch with my mom.  This is highly unusual as we typically talk several times a day or at least text.  Since I called so early in the morning, I just figured she was asleep.  I then proceeded with my day.

My day consisted of naps, picking the kids up from school and waiting on the kids' dad to pick them up.  I finally tried a number of times to get in touch with her.  I never did and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I drove over there - my mom had been sitting in the same chair for 12 hours.  She had woken up and was trying to get dressed so she could call 911.  I feel awful that I didn't go earlier.  Breaks my heart - she needed help and I wasn't there.  She has been by my side every step of the way with my cancer and the after math.

Her husband was there but he has severe Alzheimer's and couldn't help or take directions from Mom.  She has been in the hospital ever since. She had two small strokes and some other issues.  She is supposed to come home today but it is dependent on her Coumadin levels.

I have been taking care of my stepfather - he has 0 memory recall.  He will ask the same question over and over.  Yesterday, he got mad at me because he thought I had been keeping this all from him even though he had seen her the previous day.  Unfortunately, I had to call my mom at 7 in the morning to have her calm him down.

When we went yesterday, she wrote him a note explaining where she was and why and had him sign it.  My aunt and uncle came down  yesterday and started cleaning mom's house - it is in bad shape to say the least.  They came down to help with that and my mom who is potentially coming today.  Please pray that she does.

My stepfather's daughters are coming down today to help take care of him and continue to clean the house.  I am so looking forward to the help.  I know I shouldn't complain - but this has drained me to the bone.  Rest will take care of that.  As my mom said yesterday, don't take for granted the small things - like going to the restroom, throwing away trash and the things we do all day without thought.  How true that is.

Please pray for my mom and that she is well enough to come home today.  I would greatly appreciate it.

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Wow - already February

Sleep, kids, weekend on, weekend off.  Time just keeps going on.  Feeling kind of funky but otherwise all is ok.  Time keeps ticking.

Tried to have a logical conversation with one of my ten year olds tonight.  Went like this:  I have been getting notes from his teacher almost daily.  Little notes - not the whole picture until Friday. 

Daniel could not find his special composition notebook that was decorated at the beginning of the school year.  I have not taken many pictures - nor printed off school pics from the discs that I have bought for the last 2 to 3 years - pretty much since I got sick.  Needed pics and other stuff to decorate the composition book.  We searched the house, my car and I called my mom to have her check to see if it was there - no luck.  He needs it for a project he is doing at school.  However, we got lucky and found a blank composition book.

Logical conversation:  he said he hadn't seen the original one for about 3 weeks.  I told him we had been down the school supply aisle at HEB at least 5 or 6 times over that 3 weeks and asked him why he never mentioned it.

I asked him to search the house - I helped.  No luck.  We had the responsibility discussion.  I asked him how old he was - answer correct, I asked him how old he was acting like - answer correct.  I asked him where he thought the composition book was.  He responded that he put it in his back pack one day and the next day it was gone but that he personally did not take it out - wrong answer.  I asked if it was there one day and not the next - he said he did not lose it - wrong answer.  I asked him how it magically went missing.  He has no idea - I told him he should know and things just don't go missing.  I asked him if a magic fairy had taken it - he shrugged his shoulders - not the appropriate response.  I took him off the computer here at the house unless he can show up with the original composition book tomorrow.  That kills them all - especially the boys.

Why don't I learn to try not to have a logical discussion with them - it is fruitless.  Enough about that - it just makes me want to beat my head against the wall.

Also tried teaching Sarah how to use a curling iron.  Didn't go very well.  She is sticking to her straightening iron - which she has down.

Family counseling has been going very good.  I am so glad I found the program.

Hope all is well with each and everyone of you.  Thank you so much for the continued prayers.

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My first guest post!

Hi All-

January is Cervical Cancer Awareness month - which was news to me.  A nurse had found my blog and asked if I would be interested in doing a guest blog.  I said yes!  I got a little bit of guidance of what she was looking for.  It was difficult to write for two reasons:  1.  Reliving the scary moments and 2:  How to condense it.  It ended up being a 4 page word doc! 

I sent it out to her and let her know she could edit stuff etc. I did not include everything but it ended up being a 4 page word document.  I told her to feel free to edit as she felt necessary.  She sent me back an e-mail fairly quickly.  It said she cried her way through reading it and wouldn't change a word.  .

It is sometimes so difficult to even blog much less a write-up of all that has happened.  Here is the link:  http://www.thegypsynurse.com/cervical-cancer-guest.

If you have followed my blog, much will be familiar to you.  If you have not, this is a decent (and somewhat brief description for all I have gone through) way to find out about Cervical Cancer and what it has done to me and the lasting effects of it.

Thanks to the Gypsy Nurse for asking me to guest blog.

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Counseling for the trips & January - Cervical Cancer Awareness Month

Hi All -

All quiet on the home front.  Kids are with their dad this weekend and next.  They weren't too excited about it -  too much to go into and I want to respect their privacy.  But it breaks my heart.  However on a positive note, the kids and I started family counseling today.  It is provided by the school district free of charge.  Neat system.  The "counselors" are students working on their advanced degrees in some facet of counseling.

All meetings are recorded and reviewed by licensed psychologists.  I wanted to get the kids in there because they have had a rough two years between things happening at my house and their father's home.  I know they don't have the words or even recognize that something is not quite what they should be.  I wanted them to work with a third party that are educated to work with them to see if they need help with any of it.

Writing is hard sometimes.  I often ask myself if I am conveying what I aimed to, if I wrote in a way that it would be interesting, if it is educational and if it funny when it was meant to.  A nurse found my blog and invited me to do a guest blog.  So I was a little proud that she liked my blog and have it be another avenue to get the information out to others.  I believe it will be published on her site on January 23rd.  I will keep you posted here and on Face book.

Thank you for the continued prayers.  It gives me great comfort and is much appreciated.

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Goodbye 2012 - Hello Sleep

Who knew that the last four years would feature surgeries, cancer, hospitalizations, and all the aftermath.  I am not sorry to see the years go (although it also features my getting older!)  The kids and I said goodbye to 2012 with them jumping up and down with almost the same excitement as they had opening Christmas gifts.

As I have blogged before, I need sleep and lots of it.  I have been asleep for the better part of three days.  The fatigue just built and built - until my body called uncle.  My Mom sent me a great quote:

"I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"
-Ernest Hemingway

How perfect is that - when I sleep, however my life can and does fall apart.  I am truly grateful that things have stabilized.  Thanks to all my prayer warriors and the Man upstairs. 

After the kids have been home for the last week and a half, they went with their father this weekend.  The silence is strange.  But, I do not miss the fighting and screaming.

So sleep away and have sweet dreams.  That is my plan.  Happy 2013!

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Crash and Burn

After not sleeping well for a week and staying up late for New Year's Eve, I crashed and burned.  I am the queen of crash and burn.  I typically sleep at least 12-18 hours.  I think I went into manic overdrive - starting with the six batches of Chex mix intermingled with two kids coming downstairs a couple of nights ago and staying up till 4, not sleeping at all on Saturday night (hyper focused on the fact I did not have a computer) and ending with watching the countdown to 2013.

I knew it was coming and I needed it badly - but one thing or another kept me manic.  Confession time:  I was diagnosed as bipolar in 2002.  I may have confessed this before but wasn't sure.  So this may be a confession repeat.  It started as a diagnoses of postpartum depression - the triplets were born in early 2002.  I struggled mightily.  The diagnoses then progressed to severe depression and then after a series of events, bipolar.  My sister was also bipolar.  My mother's father struggled with depression and my father - was just plain crazy and paranoid in his latter days.  So, I proudly come from a long list of crazy people.

Mental issues are common - but a lot of people are too scared to admit it.  I to am embarrassed about discussing it.  My family and very few, very close friends know about it.  I shouldn't be embarrassed - it is an illness that is just as real as cancer.  But it is so important to make sure your balance of meds is right.  I have had adjustments over the years based on what was going on in my life.  If you don't  feel right, don't feel yourself, please seek help.  It may just be a temporary hurdle or a lifetime diagnoses.

Typically, I lean more towards mania - which is way better than depression to me.  However, this cancer illness and all the side effects have left me with depression and anxiety.  I do well most days.  I see the proper docs.  I take my meds.  I do all the right things - but when I go manic - I go MANIC.

So went to sleep at 1 am this morning and briefly woke up around noon and then crashed until 4.  One of the major problems with this, is my lovely bladder.  When I do come to somewhat during the day, I usually do not think about my pain meds.  Not good.  So when I finally really wake up - I am in bladder heck.  But after two or three doses it settles down.

Don't hide, like I have done for years, get the help and support you need.  It does not make you a weak person or a strange person, you just have an illness like any other illness.

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Happy New Year

Made it to Midnight - the clock ticking slowly towards 2013.  Slowly because Sarah took over the TV.  This is nothing new - she will fight you and you finally give up.  We watched every New Year's countdown - New York, San Antonio and Las Vegas - I couldn't get away from it.  Las Vegas you ask?  Answer:  Tate Stevens, the winner of the X Factor, performed in Las Vegas. 

There is a rhythm to our house.  Who sits where and who plays what and who watches what TV.  I will bore you and explain it as best as I can.

Sarah sits downstairs in a over sized chair that spins.  If you get in it, she will fight you to the death to get back in it.  I have a big couch that ends in a short chaise sitting area.  The boys could very comfortable there - but you know the game - sibling vs. sibling.  The big TV is downstairs - she also tries to drive what is watched.  As you can tell from the first paragraph, she usually wins.

The second is Daniel - he would sit at the computer all day, all night until you make him get up.  When the other two want to play on it, we have to set the timer.  He will watch the timer like a hawk.  As soon as it goes off, he is at the computer telling the person to get off.  This process usually involves yelling and a push/shove or two.  If he watches TV, he usually goes to the guest bedroom and watches there.

Matthew takes over the play room.  It is pretty much a full size living room loft upstairs.  Besides TV, he plays Wii or other games.  If he is watching TV, he is usually laid out on the couch.  If you try to sit on the couch, see above re:  Sarah's reaction to sitting in the over sized chair.

One thing that complicates watching TV upstairs, is which remote works with what TV.  Long story, but one works with one TV and the other same thing.  If you switch them, you lose some of the functionality of the remotes.  You would think that they could simply just try one or the other and figure it out - nope it is a fight because remotes disappear into the abyss.

So all of the above happened last night.  Fun stuff.  I tried to do a family hug and kisses on the cheeks last night when it struck midnight - didn't go off so well either.

So from my dysfunctional family to yours, Happy New Year.

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