All Heck Breaks Loose!

Warning long post!

I am sure you have had those days, months or years.  It seems that anything that could go wrong went
wrong.  It would seem trivial to some - but to me, when added together it, it pulled me apart at the seams.  Easy for me this to happen to me.

Preparations for the kids coming home from their father's house.  Preparing 6 batches of Chex Mix - killed me arthritis and bladder wise.  Not sleeping much.  Computer blowing up (this made me crazy - how do you live without a computer????).  Insurance issues and other small stuff and I was done in.

Computer blew up Friday - Mom (who knows way much more than I do as to fixing them) got some stuff fixed but couldn't get it all the way.  She tried some Saturday - no luck.  I slept not at all on Saturday - I mean at all - I was way too focused on the computer.  I am weird that way.   So Sunday I was not at my best.  Mom came over early on Sunday morning.  We kept trying stuff.  After we couldn't get it fixed, I gave out - I have a compulsive disorder (self diagnosed).  I went and bought a new computer.

We went to the Forum on Sunday.  Had to make a stop at Walgreen's on the way there - stop 1, kids wanted to go to Target and so did I - stop 2,  Best Buy for a computer - got a HP Pavilion All In One 20" screen - pretty sweet - stop 3, Toys R Us (I hate this store - I don't get how it is laid out) and I told the kids it would not be restocked yet (I win!) but somehow we spent 30+ minutes in there (stop 4) and then Bath and Body Works (I have posted how Sarah shops there before - has to smell EVERYTHING) -stop 5 - and then finally home.  I wore tennis shoes - not common - but I thought it would help my feet.  Guess what, last night arthritis last night in my right foot - could barely walk.  Repeat prednisone routine.

What else, oh, I have a small fridge in the garage, freezer door wouldn't stay closed.  Somehow Matthew figured it out.  Let's hear it for Matthew - he is always my fix it guy or the one with the strength to open stuff.  Beyond helpful.

But one of the things that really got me going and upset was my OBRA coverage.  I did not realize that my prior employer was changing processing companies.  I rushed to the Post Office in PJs, flip flops and a big sweater - yes, I looked wonderful, thank you.  I overnighted my January payment to a PO Box - once there it will take 3-5 days to process not counting the holidays.  This is all coupled with November and December being screwed up too.

What happens is that when you try to fill a prescription or go to the doc, they think you don't have insurance.  This was even despite the fact that I paid them 5 months in advance in November - did not help.  Well - this was because they were transferring to the new company.  I had no idea that when I was talking to people in Nov and Dec that I was on the phone with the old and new companies.  NO ONE clued me in.

The day after I called and we figured out that for the most part was hosed, I called back and spoke with someone else.  Very nice.  She offered to send me the paperwork to sign up for auto-withdrawal going forward.  Why did the person the day before not offered this?  But even more to the point - why can't you do this on-line?  She also let me know that the money has to be there on the 10th of the month for instance in January for the February payment. Why had the guy the day before not tell me this?  I would have sent two checks one for January and one for February - while looking fab at the post office.  Since this is the third paragraph on this, I will stop.  Just know I have been dealing with this for months and I can't take it.  I have a doc appointment on the 2nd - I will most likely pay full price.  Any scripts - same thing - full price until they can get this straight.

But - I have a working computer and I am so happy about that.  Also besides the arthritis and bladder pain - I haven't complained much about my health!  A big thanks to my prayer warriors.

I will post about my New Years Eve soon - kids are excited!  Me - not so much except for a huge prayer for continued stable health.  I wish each of you the best!

More later -

Christmas 2012

My family celebrated Christmas on the evening of the 26th.  So much happened before and after that date that I am going to break it down into a couple of blogs so that it may make more sense.  So back to Christmas celebration.  My kids love my Chex Mix.  I have changed it up a bit - I put a lot more Worcestershire sauce in it and honey nut Cheerios (and absolutely no pretzels and peanuts) - so it is very savory and sweet.  Love it!  To each is own.

Mom and I had made a menu plan - all apps.  Six or seven things.  I made 6 batches of Chex Mix - one for each kid, one for a friend, one for my parents and one for the party.  I did this Christmas Day all day.  My arthritis reared it's ugly head.  Repetitive motions kill me - tons of prednisone later and about 10-12 hours later it worked itself out.  Ok enough about me.  Back to the celebration.

Mom shows up the afternoon of the 26th to make sausage and cheese balls and I worked on setting out all the other stuff.  She went OVERBOARD (Hi Mom).  We had sooooo much food and more from other parts of the family, friends and neighbors.  Enough for a 30 person party.  Anyway - all was enjoyed by who was here.  Kids even got sparkling grape juice - in plastic long stem champagne glasses - they thought they were the bomb.

Ok - KIDS ENTRANCE!  They couldn't even stop to say hello to who was here.  They are 10 - I know they are excited but I think they are old enough to say hi - 5 seconds.  Maybe I am expecting too much.  I blocked their entrance to the living room and made them say Hi while they were in the middle of jumping up and down and saying let me at the presents.  So I was happy.  Then they dug in.  So they were happy.  They liked what they got - so all was good and enjoyed by all.  My mom and kids got me the coolest presents.  I am very grateful.

As a side, as the days passed, Sarah kept measurements on her bucket of Chex Mix.  I mean really????  She had quite the opinion and would loudly blame her brothers for eating it.  Since she was a really little kid, she has never been one to share.

Then all heck broke loose.

More later -

Chrismas spirit and more

A very good friend planned it.  When we first talked about it, the only day we could come up was today.  I told her it was so close to Christmas and that I would completely understand if it couldn't fall into place.  But, even as Christmas time is here, all these people showed up.

She and some friends wanted to get together, decorate my house - whatever I needed done.  Such kindness and the true spirit of Christmas.  She arranged for a group of friends from where I used to work to get together.  I was worried to put these people on the spot during the holiday season and so close to Christmas.

But this great group put their busy lives on hold and came out to my neck of the woods and we met for lunch.  I am always surprised by the gentleness and kindness of people.  Being ill for so long, I have seen it manifest itself in so many ways.

So for those that were there and those that wanted to be, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  They are friends, prayer warriors and kind people.  So generous with their hearts and time.  There are no words to Thank you properly - but it was a wonderful Christmas gift.

Just a little shout out to Lisa Thaddeus - I know you wanted to be there and couldn't.  I would have loved to have seen you but as schedules go, I completely understand.  You have such a kind heart and I appreciate all the prayers.  I hope you have a wonderful Holiday Season and enjoy having your children home.

Another shout out to Cathy - for picking me up and taking me home.  You are a dear friend.  Love you dearly.

And the last shout out to Debbie for putting this all together.  By the way I love the glass you had installed in your bathroom. :)

Ok - one more shout out - Dawn - It was beyond wonderful to see you.  We have to paint and stay more in touch.  Love you to pieces.

More later -



  

What's up lately?

It has been awhile, so I thought I would give you a run down as life as I know it - pretty boring stuff (you have been warned.)

I am finally healing up from my last procedure.  I can sit without pain.  Thanks to all my prayer warriors for keeping the prayers going!

Christmas is upon us.  As the decorations go up, I feel like I just took them down from last year.  Feeling a little Scroogey - if there is such a word.  Finally got my Christmas presents ordered - love the internet! 

In the past, I had a job or was on severance.  So there was plenty of money to over-buy presents.  For the first time this year, the kids will see only 3-4 presents under the tree.  Nothing extravagant. And not the 10-12 presents they are accustomed to.

I think it is way better this way.  In years past, they would tear through all the wrapping paper.  They would leave all boxes and wrapping paper on the floor faster than the adults could stuff the wrapping paper in garbage sacks.  They would usually have 1 or 2 presents they would like and forget the rest and just cluttered the toy room (which is another blog in and of itself).

One thing I have been doing is watching the World's Strictest Parents on YouTube.  Due to my lack of having limits for the longest time, I have been taking tips from it.  I really hope to make a reasonable impact so that they know there are consequences to their actions.  I just have to stick with it.

Please remember my cousin, Mel, in your prayers.  She had a horrible car accident about two years ago and has gone through at least 19 surgeries to her hip.  There are so many issues with infections and she is not healing properly.  She is still in pain and going through the trials and tribulations of this for so long. 

Have to remember the reason for the season and not how many presents are under the tree.  Hope each of you have a wonderful holiday season.

More later -

Oncologist follow up

Biopsy just showed cells messed up by radiation.  So that is good news.  I asked about vaginal reconstruction (mom made me).  He said it is more for females born without a vagina.  What they do is take strips of flesh from your upper thigh and make a cut where the vaginal canal should be.  Then they use the strips to construct the vagina.  Sadly, I am not a candidate due to the tissue in my vagina being messed up due to radiation and the fact I smoke.  Radiation more so because it screws up the vascular system and doesn't allow healing.

My other question was regarding the shrinkage of my vagina.  He said when they got me to the operating room that even the smallest of speculum only gave him about a quarter inch visibility.  He said he was trying to use scissors to get a biopsy and they kept slipping because of the space issues - he said he finally just used a scalpel and got the tissue sample.  We also spoke about dilators.  They have a new kind that is made with soft plastic instead of the hard plastic.  I will spare you the rest of the details.

He thinks it can widen the vagina but probably not lengthen it.   I go back in 4 months (YAY).  Thanks for the prayers. 

More later -

Oncologist tomorrow :(

I have a follow up appointment from my procedure last month.  When I spoke to the nurse- they usually tell me the results over the phone.  No go this time. Not looking forward to it tomorrow.  I will post an update - just keep praying.

More later -

In a big time funk

It has been awhile - so I thought I would put up a small update.  I am in a major funk.  I don't want to leave the house.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want physical contact with the outside world unless it is absolutely necessary - like doc appointments.

I have two appointments this week.  One not so bad - flu shots for the kids (they are not happy about it as the nose mist is on back order so they have to get the real deal - a shot).  The other is a follow up with my Oncologist post procedure.  The oncologist is the one I dread.

Also getting ready to go out is a huge pain.  I can't just jump in the shower because of my port.  I have to get the bathroom heated up.  Take a bath.  Try not to lose my balance getting out of the tub.  Dry off, dress, then off to the kitchen to wash my hair in the sink.  After that, I am worn out and have to take a rest so that I can continue to get ready.

Funky part - I have had only one haircut since March 2011.  So much of my hair fell out when I was unable to eat. It is getting thicker but like I said, just don't want to get out.  Same things with my pedis and manis - been a very long time.  I use to have a great paying job.  I am having to say no a lot more to the kids when they ask.  I have to get groceries, $20 band shirts, 3 pairs of khakis- the list goes on.  Also my cobra payment is going from $600 to $1,000.  Goes on and on.

Don't want to be in this mind set - just need a road map out.

More later -

How my brain (doesn't) work

We all know that Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday.  I have seen the black Friday TV ads.  So today is obviously a Friday.  Right?

I woke up and thought today was Monday.  I have a doc appt at 11 am.  So I started setting alarms last night.  I also started resetting this morning them to squeeze every minute of rest/sleep I could get. 

I talked to my mom this morning and verified the time she and papa needed to be here.  She sits on my couch and was making general conversation.  She asked if I still had my appt on Monday.  I looked at my calendar.  To my surprise, today is Friday - not Monday - big dork!

WOW - so glad we didn't have to get in Black Friday traffic.  Sorry Mom and PaPa for taking up your time this morning.

Happy post Thanksgiving!

More later -

My Thanksgiving

The kids and I were going to my mom's house.  At first, we were going over around noon.  I called her back and we changed it to 3 since the kids and I have been sleeping really late and would not make it by noon.

So, I got the kids loaded up - which takes about 15 or more minutes - I should have started earlier.  So finally around 3:12 we pulled out of the driveway.  My car phone rung (that is why I knew the precise time) and it was my mom looking for us.  I told her we were on our way.

I sat at the table - my mom outdid herself. The food looked great, but it turned my stomach and I had no appetite.  My mom caught on pretty quickly and offered that I go home and she said she would bring the kids home later.

I told her no.  I would just lay down on the couch and wait for them to be done.  This way the kids would go with me and she wouldn't be saddled with one more task.  I layed down and was out like a light.  I woke up about 3 hours later and rounded up the kids - another 20-25 minutes later we were headed home (about a mile).

I feel like the Thanksgiving turkey party pooper.  Such is my life.  It affects everyone.  They understand but I would guess they would rather me at the table.  But at least I have a family I can go to and care for me as I do them.

Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope you had family and friends that you could spend it with.

More later -

Cast Away

Finally - after 5.5 months - my cast is offically off!  Glad to be rid of it. I can now sit in the tub and stay warm rather than sit in a shower sit in the tub and using a cup to rinse off (burr when your wet skin exposed to the room air).  My big heater bit the dust.  I am using a small heater that my mom lent me.

My arm is a little bumpy.  Oh well - at least the bone grew!

Kiddos and I are spending Thanksgiving with my parents.  So much to be thankful for!

 I wish each of you safe travels and a Happy Thanksgiving!

November 13th Follow Up

Hi All -

Just a short update because it kills me to sit.  Using my donut - but still hurts.  For all intents and purposes, the procedure went okay.

Remember the post regarding stretching your vaginal canal out using dialators?  Well, unfortunately, I never did it.  I had a major brain block to it and I have only caused myself more pain.  The doctor told my mom that the canal has shrunk to about an inch and a half long.  They were not able to use a speculum. He told her he stuck his finger in and busted through the end of it - a little confused on this but have a 3 week follow up and will get it clarified.

If it is not too late, I am going to use the dialators.  Another question for him.  He said that he and the nurse had to do something to hold my vaginal canal open.  Whatever they did left me so swollen on the outside.  Hurts a ton - not quite as much as it did when he had to laser the skin off the outside - but it is right up there pain wise.  Having to use vasoline again to help it not burn so bad to urinate and I figured out if I lean back it is also helpful.

There is a topical chemo that can be used.  But when I tried it, it burnt me so badly.  I am also going to ask him if there is any IV chemo that can be used.   I don't think I can do anymore radiation because there are limits to how many rads can be used in the same place - doesn't break my heart - radiation about killed me and had to get three blood transfusions due to what it did to my system.

One other off topic thing, I have been falling a lot.  Last night around 3 am, I got up to go to the restroom.  I knew I was going down, but couldn't stop it.  My right foot buckled in to the right.  No swelling.  Can't tell if it is bruised because I get perma bruises due to my Arthirtis drugs.  It is already has a perma brusie from having a two liter bottle of soda dropped on it at HEB last year.  Seeing the ortho doc next week - I will have them x-ray it.

So lots of pain and questions.

More later -

November 13th Procedure

I am trying to get some sleep since I have to be up at 5 am to get to the hospital by 6 am.  The procedure will be kind of okay - depends on what he has to do. It will set me back some especially since I have not been well for a while now.

But, the two things I dread waking up to in the recovery room is an Ileostomy bag (urine bag) or a Colostomy bag (not hard to figure out).  As I have mentioned before, the lining of the vaginal wall is very thin and connected to the bladder and colon walls.  I have had the same type of procedure a number of times.  The last time he did a procedure he saw my small intestines and had to close me up.

I don't know how many more my body can take before I go down the road of bags.  I appreciate all the prayers I can get.  I will keep you posted.

More later -

Crap Follow Up

Insurance issues finally worked out.  Had to go to 2 pharmacies to get refunds.  But it takes time that I don't feel great to run around to get it done.

Got pre-registered at the hospital.  One really great thing from that is that they didn't have to draw blood.  They were able to use the info from my home healthcare tests instead.

I really try to keep my chin up and be positive.  But right now my well is dry and everyhing is a struggle, a fight or just plain hard.  I'll keep praying for strength.

Countdown to the 13th and how much that will set me back. 

More later -

Crap - Edited

This week has been unbearable and frustrating to me and it is only Wednesday.  Between COBRA and kids, I wanted to just hide and hope the world would go away.

For COBRA, I am set up for automatic payment.  They ususally withdraw it at the very first of the month.  For whatever reason, the last two months have just been a hassle.  The third party that sweeps the money has to notify my insurance company that I paid and am covered.  This started Monday - nobody that needed to know that I had insurance knew.  I spent hours on the phone to no avail.  Yesterday, the straw that broke the camel's back is that I was told by the third party that knows I paid to call my insurance company.  I called and lo and behold, they trasferred back to the company I started with.  Beyond frustrating. 

I paid full price for two doc appointments and two prescriptions.  I will get the money back - but with a lot of phone calls and with it being a pain.

Two of my children have done things at school or regarding homework that were completely unacceptable.  The one that pushes straight over the edge is the one that wants help with homework and when I do help, they tell me I am wrong! 

Counting down to next Tuesday's procedure - lovely.  And still feeling like crud!

Left something out.  When I went to the urologist, they did a pee test of course.  It came back positive.  Would have never  known - feels no different with it or without it.  But, am taking antibiotics for it (one of the scripts almost 70 bucks for 5 pills that I paid for in full - it is just the principle of it that makes me mad).

More later-

About 10 minutes after I posted last night

My daughter wanted "special" lotion like from Bath and Body Works.  I talked her out of it thinking I had some at home.  She had just gotten out of the shower.  I was in the small closet I use for linens and other stuff.  Not a big space and the floor was covered in misc. items.

I felt myself going down.  I fell against the wall.  Nothing that hurt too much but still.  I am grateful my mom got me the "Fallen and I can't get up" button that I wear around my neck but did not need it in this situation.  But I needed space to get on my knees to get up - arthritis damage issues.  While Sarah was scared, she was so sweet and held it together.  She offered to help me get up - she weighs about 60 pounds soaking wet.  I smiled and told her kindly no.

So I had to scoot on my hinney out of there to get to the bathroom area which has much more space and I was finally able to get up.  I stopped, I was a little peeved becasue of the day I had had.  Then turned it over to God as I promised myself I would.  No big injuries - that is the big thing. 

More later -

Doesn't Take Much

Yesterday, with the help of my mom, we went to the mall to get the kids all outfitted for cooler weather.  Couldn't have done it without my mom (as always).  It took about three hours - way much more than I can handle these days.  Used my left arm too much and arthritis hit my left shoulder hard - so I was hitting the steroids. Finally got it semi-comfortable to where I could kinda use it.  Better today - but still hurts and my hands ache especially the right.  Trying to stay away from the steroids because I have to take high doses and it only adds to my aggravation.  Add to that - things have been really rough for the last couple of months too.  Time for a storm warning!

When I get to this point I do two things:  cry and get more upset with the kids when I ask them to do something and they haven't done it by the third time I have asked them to do something.  In all honestly, I blow my top.  Not fair to the kids - they are just kids.  Yes, they are ten, but still don't deserve my wrath when I get that down.

If I call my mom, I am usually crying by the time she answers the phone and can't understand a word I am saying!  This has happened more times than I can count.  Funny when you are not in the middle of a melt down.  We do laugh about it sometimes.  She just waits on the phone while I try to squeak out what the issue is.

Today, we went through Sarah's clothes to put them away.  Her belts were too small, she wanted a light jacket, we were one pair short of the 7 pairs of pants I buy them, and she wanted to exchange a cute sweater dress.  I called Mom to the rescue.  She came over and adjusted the waistbands on the boy's jeans.  Sarah and I ran to James Avery to get her bracelet fixed and then to JcPenney to fix all the clothing issues.  Then she begged her way into going to Bath and Body works.  The problem with that is that she smells everything and takes so long that I get to the point that I start counting to three (doesn't work all that great).

Point is that I don't always handle all the pain, chaos, outpatient procedures, raising triplets, my illnesses or the pain very well.  I try to take deep breaths.  But the one thing that I don't do is that I need to stop the madness and hand it over to God.  He is my ticket out of the hurt, pain and all I'm going through .  I also need to stop everything I am doing, take pain meds to address the pain issues and rest for awhile or even the rest of the day.  Because when I get to this point, I am way more useless to everyone even more so than a regular day.

I do not even ask "Why me" anymore,  it just is.  I can't even imagine when people who are way more worse off than I am handle it all.

God, I will be knocking on your door way more often!  Thanks to all my prayer warriors  out there - your support and prayers are so appreciated.

More later -

Follow up from latest Oncolgist appoinment - Not Good

Just got a call from one of the nurses from my oncologist appointment.  Pap smear came back with severe grade dysplasia.  This will require an outpatient procedure at North Central Baptist. I hate this.  I already don't feel great - and the procedure will knock me back a couple of notches.  Hate, hate, hate frick-frak cancer.

I will keep you posted.  The procedure is scheduled for 11/13/12.


Thanks for all my prayer warriors.

Pay it forward

This was on another blog I follow.  If you can, please pay it forward - you never know when you will need the kindness of strangers.  Click on the link and press shift at the same time.  It will bring up a link. Click on link and it should take it to a place where you can donate.

[CHARITY] Signal boost

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 tongue cancer. TONGUE cancer. For a non-smoker, this was quite the blow and because of intense radiation to my mouth and jaw area, I lost my teeth.

I need to raise $65,000 because dentures and implants aren’t covered by Medicaid OR Medicare.
INDIEGOGO fundraiser is here.
GIVEFORWARD fundraiser is here.

Please pass them along. Please tell everyone you know. Put these links on twitter, tumblr, facebook, plurk, wherever. I’d really, really appreciate it.
If you can donate, thank you so much. Every dollar is a dollar more than I had before. If you can’t, know that I appreciate all good thoughts that come my way. Please reblog my post anyway?

Thank you all (I love my fandom friends so much) for your continued support.
PS: Tagging this obnoxiously for the signal boost.
PPS: If you have ANY questions, send me an ask. I have no problems sharing my story/answering questions about my story.

Feeling Crappy

I posted this to Face Book yesterday.  Thought I would post it here to let those who read my blog what's been going on.  Nothing fun. :(

I have really feeling crappy for the last couple of months. I went back to my internist today and my pain doc the day before and changed up some of the pain meds.

The internist likened the amount of pain meds I am on is what they give hospice patients for palliative care. Wow - that blew my mind. I am just using them to survive without severe pain. Then a couple of weeks ago when I went to the ER doc, he asked if my skin is always this color: grey! This all stinks - just asking for a little bit of normal. Is that too much to ask?

I  guess this is my new normal.

More later -

The Big Spill Part 2

I went to the orthopedist today for a check up on my right arm.  Lots of bone growth! 

BUT - due to the big spill, I have a hairline fracture in my right hand and there is a tender spot on right arm break.  So after 4 months after the initial break, I get to wear the arm cast for another 6 weeks.  There is nothing to be done about the hand - no big deal it is just really tender.

More later -

After Oncologist

Went to my appointment yesterday.  Just did a pap smear and vinegar test.  The vinegar test lights up areas of concern.  Besides hurting like heck (need/have to do my stretching exercises!!!), it went okay as I started climbing up the table to get away from the pain.  I will find out the results of the pap next week.  I do not have to go back for 4 months - YAY!

I will keep you posted on pap results.  Thanks for the prayers and support.  Please pray that I get past my mental block on stretching and will get it going again - it will hurt in the short term but will help so much in the long run.

More later -

Oncologist today

Ugh, yuck, no fun, pain- that about sums it up.

More later -

PS - this is my 100th post - sorry no prizes!

The Big Spill

You just never know how exciting my life is until I take a big spill.  At least this time I landed on the carpet.  I had taken one of the muscle relaxants my doc had prescribed in combination with all my other meds.  I don't think they liked each other a lot.

I got up and went upstairs to check on the kids.  I stumbled on the steps some but was able to right myself.  I went back down stairs and was going to fill up my cup with diet coke.  As I picked my cup up and turned around, I knew I was going down.  Landed on my right side between a big chair and a side table.  Hurt my hand and wrist the most and jammed my upper arm break a little.  Glad the brace was on.

My mom had gotten me "I have fallen and can't get up" systems that I typically wear  around my neck.  I had taken it off when we went to the ER on Sunday.  I put it back on tonight.  Don't think anything is broken just hurts like heck.

Never know what will happen next around here.

More later -

What the heck?

It has been a rough recovery road.  I have had a nasty cold or something for the last 6 to 8 weeks.  Finally started taking Mucinex - helped my nose but not my lungs.  Sunday afternoon, my right side upper back ribs hurt like heck anytime I breathed deeply or coughed.  Yes it was the weekend, but I went to the ER anyhow (I am not a huge fan of ER visits on the weekends IE didn't go when I had 105.5 temp and sepsis and about killed myself). 

So when it hurt at a level 10 on a scale of 1-10, I gave in and went to the ER.  I was worried I had walking pneumonia etc.  So of course, I decided to take the cautious road and went to the ER.  They couldn't find anything.  Great way to waste $250.  So I went to my primary doc today.  He said something about my muscles are messed up too from all the rest of the stuff I have endured.  I should have asked for more of an explanation - but didn't.  I will next time.  He thinks it is a very tightly strained muscle from all the coughing.

For the last two months, I have been fighting when the insurance companies are not notified that I am still eligible for insurance after my checking account is swept for my COBRA payment.  Somehow, it has been screwed up.  So my docs and pharmacy think I don't have insurance.  Whole other hassling issue for another time.

So I couldn't get my meds.  Paid $150 instead of $30 for a doc appointment.  Blah, blah, blah.  Monday - I was dead to the world.  But, did not get enough sleep (I know - what?????)  Hoping tomorrow is a good rest day.  I need it and need it badly.

Went to a different head doc and guess what he suggested:  Redefining my life with all the twist and turns of the last two years.  Big surprise!  Somebody explain this to me - I went from Point A to Point B without any choice.  I mostly deal with it well but some days not so much.  Maybe he can make it easy on me and give me a better road map.

More later -

Wow - did I ever overestimate myself.

In the last post, I said how I was doing better and getting stronger.  I way overestimated myself.  Yesterday, I picked up the kids for a dentist appointment.  I had an appointment that was going to overrun the dentist appointment.  So my mom met me at the dentist office so she could take the kids and I could go to my next appointment.

I went to my next appointment, got petrol for my car and went to CVS pickup a prescription and then home.  I came home crying, overwhelmed and tired to the bone.  I have had some kind of cold that I have been fighting for way too long.  I felt like my Rheumatoid Arthritis was overtaking my body as it does when I am stressed.  I was falling to pieces.

Thanks to mom - the kids had food for dinner.  I felt I could not do one more thing.  I was at my wit's end.  I did not even do that much - but it took everything out of me.  I am almost three months out past my big kaboom on June 2nd when I had sepsis.

Really, when is it my turn to get stronger?  This is taking all I have in me and more.  The doc had told me that most patients with sepsis stay in the hospital for at least 2 months - but I am even past that point.

The fatigue is overwhelming.  Some days I can sleep for a good 18 hours and then when I do wake up, I am in a fog for at least an hour.  I feel like I am sleeping my life away but there is nothing I feel I can do about it.  When does it end?  When do I get to feel close to normal?  I have let so many things slide that need to get done.  I just want my turn to feel awake enough to get it all done.  I will have to wait and see.  I need to get an appointment with my internist - maybe they can help.

Please pray for strength and awareness.


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Eleven Years Ago

Eleven years ago today, my ex-husband and I were trying desperately to get pregnant.  We did 7 cycles of IUI and all ended in failure.  I swore I would never do more than that.  But I was desperate to have a child.

We started the IVF process.  At the time, I was working insane hours.  I was emotionally beat up by all the failures to get pregnant.  But, I was on a mission.

I was doing all the shots that were used to make your body produce as many eggs as possible.  My body created 7 - pretty low number for the process.  They harvested the eggs and introduced the sperm to create the embryos.  After the first day, 2 or 3 of the embryos broke down and were gone.  They called the next morning - 48 hours after creating the embryos and told me to hurry to the office to have the remaining four embryos implanted into my uterus.  One of the four was breaking down but the remaining three looked pretty good.  They typically transfer on day 3 or 5.  But, they wanted them in my uterus asap to hopefully stop the deterioration of the remaining embryos.

Back track one day to 9/11.  I went into work and one of my coworkers said that a plane had hit one of the towers.  I thought she was joking - unfortunately she wasn't.  It paralyzed the office.  We all went up to the boardroom to watch the events unfold on a huge (wall sized) TV.  It was unbelievably sad.  All those lives lost - for what?

So back to 9/12.  I called my ex-husband and told him to haul butt to the fertility clinic as they decided to transfer the embryos into my uterus early.  I remember distinctly lying on the table waiting for the transfer thinking what kind of world I was bringing these children into.

They transferred the four embryos.  The fourth embryo was already breaking down so it probably would not be viable. My chances to get pregnant were like 25% and then of that percentage it was only likely to have one embryo take.  Then the percentages went down from there.

Seven days later, I peed on the pregnancy stick and it was positive!  I think I must have taken at least 10 other pregnancy tests to "just make sure".  We went to the doc appointment a couple of weeks later.  They did a pregnancy test too - positive of course.  Then they did an ultrasound to see how many babies were in the making.  Three heartbeats in their distinct sacs. Thus, the triplets were there!  I was so ecstatic.  I looked back at my ex-husband and he was white as a sheet.

After the ultrasound, we had a meeting with the fertility specialist.  He discussed selective reduction due to it being a high risk pregnancy.  I was upset but didn't let it show - how and why could I decide which baby to take????  Of course, we didn't take that course of action.

Every year, 9/11 and 9/12 conjure so many emotions in me.  Amid all the death, I was giving life to three beautiful children.  Every year, I think about those days.  I remember the next morning calling my sister.  We were laughing and crying about having triplets!

I feel so fortunate for all the brave souls who died that day and all those who worked tirelessly trying to find survivors among the wreckage.  I also feel fortunate for the three little beings that my ex-husband and I created.  Miracles as well as sadness all around me.

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What people don't see

Recently, I have been out twice.  I had a great time.  Nice to be out of the house after the big kaboom at the beginning of June.  What I didn't realize is how much it takes out of me.  I am probably at about 70% of what I was before June 2nd.  And before that I was probably only at 60% of what I was before this whole cancer nightmare started.

When people see me, they always say how great I look.  And maybe I do - I put on a little makeup to give a little color to my face.  I am also appreciative of the compliment.  They see the cast and the port.  What they don't see is the amount of pain meds I am on to even feel okay enough to go out.  While I am out, I do not take any meds as I will be driving.  Also when I go out, I don't drink anything other than diet coke.  Just can't do it.

I always think - I can do anything I want.  But when I do, my bladder gets aggravated and spasms, my broken arm aches and I wear down quickly. 

What people don't see or don't want to see, is that I am a sick person.  It is even hard for me to admit that I am not at 100%.  If I don't stay laying down and resting all the time, my body rebels and that is when I get the hard reminder that I ain't what I used to be.

Just want to be normal - or what my docs say is to create a new normal definition for myself.  It is just so hard to do.

I guess at the end of the day, I rather people see the old me.  I just wish I truly was the old me.

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A Miracle

I don't know how or why - other than prayers from all my prayer warriors.  But here is how it goes:

I left my employment with my former employer in March of last year. My COBRA was the standard 18 months.  The only way to extend it is if you notify them within 60 days of the month following the end of your employment that you are disabled and are unable to work.  This would extend my COBRA to 26 months.

So, I thought that at 9/30/2012 COBRA would expire.  I was sweating bullets as I needed a certificate of coverage so that I could enroll in the Texas Insurance Pool until I was eligible for Medicare which becomes available after 24 months from the disability approval date.  I was nervous because of all my medical issues and the cost of meds that I am on.

My bank account was swept for my September payment.  Me - being type A personality and nervous as heck, I called the company.  I wanted to get that certificate as soon as possible so that I wouldn't have any break in coverage and just have the insurance change.

When I called, I was dumbfounded by the information I received.  The administers of COBRA told me that they had received a fax dated 5/4/2011 stating I was disabled and therefor eligible for 26 months of coverage.  I was so relieved to say the least.  I wracked my brain trying to remember if I faxed it in.  I could not fathom that I had because it was during the time I was basically in the hospital from the end of March 2011 through June 2011.

They call the extended COBRA "OBRA".  The cost of COBRA is 102% of the normal premiums and that OBRA was 150% of the normal premiums.  I didn't care - I have coverage until I am eligible for Medicare. 

The curiosity got the best of me.  As I said, I had no recollection of faxing in anything as I was so sick during that time.  So I called back this morning to see if they could tell where it was faxed from because I have a printer with a fax function.  But it wasn't from my number.  It landed on the right desk at my former employer and they faxed it in.  I am eternally grateful. 

I truly believe that your prayers helped make this happen.  Thanks for all your prayers!

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Happy Labor Day!

I was able to take the kids swimming!  I feel like a grownup now that I am driving again.  It is a little tough to turn with my right arm but otherwise all went well.  I can't get in the water - but I sure wanted to!

Hope all of you had a great Labor Day weekend and were able to spend time with your family and friends.

I am holding my own these days.  Today wore me out - but on normal days when I am on the couch all day, I do fine.  If I am up and about, my bladder and my arm complain mightily.  But I have meds that can control it - just can't take them if I drive. But took them when I got home and things are starting to settle. 

Matthew took out parts of his two front teeth for the third time.  Gotta get that fixed.

That's pretty much all.  Pretty boring these days :)  Better than the alternative!!!

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Isolation

Cancer is an ugly thing - I think we can all agree on that.  No matter what type of cancer it is - it takes so much and some types sooner rather than later. Just not fair.

Then the treatments - a whole other set of issues.  I can only speak to mine but some stories I have read just tear at my being.  Like children with cancer.  Or women with ovarian cancer that is almost always typically found too late.  Or brain, bone, pancreatic etc. - all so ugly.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my own cancer and how the treatments have dramatically changed my life.  I was diagnosed at 41.  At that time in my life, I was working a tough full time job, raising 8 year old triplets and going out with my previous boyfriend (most of my free time) or going out with friends.  Prior to that diagnoses, I had some surgeries due to my arthritis but all pale in comparison to what cancer has done.

I have a good attitude (most of the time) about it and a strong will to live.  But life has slowed way down and changed drastically.  No Friday happy hours, no eating out with friends, or eating in with my family and no boyfriend.  Every once in awhile, one of my kids ask if they should set a plate for me.  Breaks my heart.  And at the times I say yes, they get so excited.

I haven't (and now can't) worked since March 2011.  I have had more ambulance rides than I could count and never would have dreamed of.  Surgeries, shrunken vagina, can't eat, diarrhea if I do eat, haven't driven since June when I broke my right arm, scared waiting for results of tests, hate going to my oncologist more often than the three month follow up for the first two years after the diagnoses and on and on.

I am not looking for sympathy.  I have accepted it.  Well most of it.  One other point, I have always been pretty much a loner - so some of what I say is on me.  I had my family, a boyfriend, a few very close friends and interaction with coworkers.  It was enough for me.

With all that said, my perception and priorities have changed dramatically.  Still a loner. But my family is sooooo much more important than boyfriends, Friday night happy hours or eating food: they are my world.  I always said that before - but I didn't really understand what it truly meant until I almost lost it all a couple of times.

Sure,  I want parts of it back.  Prior to breaking my arm, I would spend a couple of hours with a very good friend of mine on the Fridays that my kids were with their father.  And I will get back to that once I can drive again.  I would like to go out but fatigue stops the "like" to not gonna happen.  Such is life.  I have what I need - my prayer warriors, my God and my family.

But at times, I feel isolated.  Some my own doing and some not.  It hurts - but a smile from one of my children or a laugh with my mom helps a ton.

Seeing arm doc Tuesday.  I will keep you posted.  BTW - I guess the swelling in my right arm had gone down.  It was after a nights sleep.  The compression cast fell down to my lower arm.  Looks like I will have a crooked arm.  But I will wear it proudly just like all my other battle scars.

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Out of the mouth of my 10 year old Sarah

Today, my mom came and got us to take us shopping for backpacks, sneakers and the rest of school supplies.

As we were driving out of the neighborhood, I was reminding the kids of the limits I had set for the prices of the shoes and backpacks.   If my mom would have taken them without me, the sky would be her limit.  We were talking and discussing who could talk whom out of things/into things when it came to shopping.

My daughter quickly added that my mom was the only one who could talk me out of things and that she and her brothers could talk me into anything.  Sad but true - they just wear you down until you give in!  Not the best parenting - but she called  a spade a spade.

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New Neighbors

This summer has been quiet compared to last.  Last year, there were tons of kids on my street which ends in cul-de-sac.  This year not so much between families moving and summer vacation.  So my kids have been starving for something to do as they won't go out and play together.  So when a new family moved in, my kids were thrilled.

Two nights ago, the new neighbors were out.  The kids went over and introduced themselves and made fast friends.  They have a 3 year old, a daughter the same age as my kids and a boy who is two years older than my kids.   I met the parents - they were great.  All of a sudden, Sarah was spending the night with them and I invited their son to spend the night over here.  All was well and worked out great.

Their father works in the oil fields and was leaving the next morning.  The family had their cousins come to visit.  So their kids were busy for a part of the day.  After dinner time, they were out playing.  My kids were chomping at the bit to join them.  So they did and they headed to the playground.

I don't know how much time had passed when my phone rang.  It was the mother letting me know that Sarah and Daniel (keep in mind they are ten years old) were fighting and that Sarah had bit Daniel in the eye.  She thought I would want to know - which I did.  I asked her to send them home and thanked her.

When they got to the door, Sarah was in tears (automatic if she knows she is in trouble) and showing the bite marks on her arm.  They were perfect bite marks that she claimed Daniel had made.  Daniel has awful teeth that go in different directions.  I told her that there was no way they were made by Daniel and that the mother had called me so that I knew who did what.  By the way, Sarah has perfectly straight teeth.  I told her that she must have bit herself on the walk home from the park.

She started crying more saying she didn't bite herself as it would hurt too much.  More tears = lying.  Daniel had a huge bite mark around his eye.  This was all about a swing and who was there first - the behavior reminds me of two year olds and not ten year olds.  Daniel ran to it when Sarah got off but she claims she wasn't done and was just doing something and was going to get back on.  So she sits  on top of him.  She claims the bite happened because she was chewing gum.  The only truth to this is she was actually chewing gum.

I was embarrassed.  Second day and my new neighbors got to see how lovely my kids play together.  At least she is a mother and understands that kids fight but really over a swing????? 

Welcome to the neighborhood!

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PT/CT scan results!

I put a call into the oncologist office- my results are clear!!!  Thank God!   I am so happy and relieved.

Every couple of months, I knock out for about 48 hours.  It is weird. The nurse came to change my dressing today so I asked her about it.  She said to make sure to take my temp and blood pressure to make sure it hasn't bottomed out.  She said it was probably a side effect of the radiation - overwhelming fatigue.

During this time, I am taking no meds.  Without the morphine, I get terrible diarrhea.  The diarrhea kicked in Sunday night.  Even depends weren't enough.  I would wake up a little too late.  Not fun.

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Radioactive Sugar

Today was the big test day - radioactive sugar in my body via port. It will show uptake to any cancerous spots if any are there.  Praying there is not.  Should know by next week - I will keep you posted.

Broken arm still hurts.  But there is improvements - baby steps.  Still haven't driven since the big kaboom on 6/2.  I couldn't even turn the key - not enough strength in my right arm and it would hurt.  Between the amount of morphine and the healing breaks in the arm, I am afraid my reaction time would not be a good mix. There are enough scary drivers on the road!

While mom took me to my test today, my stepfather stayed at my house to watch the kids  We left him watching the Olympics.  When we got home, mom had to hook me up to my feed bag.  He was watching volleyball (not sure which countries were playing).  He kept wanting to move things in my house because he thought they were effecting who would win or lose.  Mom said that lately he thinks the TV is telling him to do things.  Alzheimers is ugly.  One kindness is he is not aware of what he has lost.

So from radioactive sugar to Alzheimers - that covers the highlights of my day.

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About to get loud

The kids are coming home today!   I can't wait to see them and hear about their adventures!  I have enjoyed the quiet - but rather have them here with the volume cranked up!

I am going Wed. morning for my PT/CT scan.  It is hard to wait for the results - please pray that nothing lights up.  I will keep you updated.

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New Urologist Visit

I survived the week and the doc appts.  Saw the new urologist today.  No big relevations.  So basically, my pain management doctor is still managing it.

So quiet here - missing the craziness but not the fighting.  Miss them terribly - can't wait to see them next week.

Short and sweet - that's it folks.

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Two week vacay

It's been awhile - that means all has been fairly quiet. So that is good.  I have three doc appointments this week.  More on that later.

Two week vacay from hearing "MOMMY" 800 times a day.  The trips went with their father this weekend.  The silence is deafening.  I appreciate the break - but two weeks???  Makes me miss them terribly.  They will be going to PA for a week to visit their father's family - they will have a blast.  I am excited for them.  With a broken right arm, their summer has been quiet - with the exception of Sea World Camp - which they loved.  The second week they are gone they will be at their father's house - plan to have my mom drive over there and take them to dinner - yay!

Now on to med news.  My pain mgmt doc has been managing my bladder issues.  On Friday, I am finally going to a new urologist.  I don't think much will change.  I will keep you posted.

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Today my Mom moved out

After 6 weeks of living with us, my mom, my stepfather and their cat moved out.  I am acting like a big old baby.  I don't have the words to thank my mom for the sacrifices she made to take care of me and the kids.  She spoiled me and the kids rotten!  She is pure gold.

On the mornings I could stay awake, she would go get us McDonald's coffee and we would talk or watch TV together.  It was just wonderful to have her here.  Not just all she did to help (which was a ton), but her kindnesses and her company.  I act like we won't see each other again.  When in reality, I will see her every day and she will still help getting the kids fed, will hook me up and unhook me to my feedbag and run errands for me until my arm hurts less and I have more mobility.

I will miss her just being here.  A million thanks Mom - I love you dearly.

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Heartbroken

One of my very close friends, Judi, lost her husband of many years suddenly this last week.  I know he is in a better place but it is so hard to lose a loved one.  I wish I had the perfect words for Judi but sadly I do not.

My heart aches for her.  I know the good Lord will keep her and her family in His hands.  If you are a reader of my blog, please say a prayer for her.

Goodbye Bob - may you rest in peace.  Judi - I love you dearly and I am so, so sorry for your loss.  You are in my heart and prayers.

Oncologist Appointment 7/12

Well for one of the first times, I walked out of my oncologist appointment without tears but of course not without pain. I get a 3 month pass until the next appointment

I had a pap smear. Paps are much different now than they used to be. I found that not only has my vaginal canal has shrunk but also the rectal canal has also. OOCH! I was trying to crawl up the exam table and away from the pain - no such luck.  Thank you radiation!

He did order a PET/CT scan - which will show if there is cancer anywhere. Don't know the date yet but it should be soon. I will keep you posted.

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Ortho doc appt

Small update - but good news!  Broken arm x-rayed today.  I saw new bone growth and the really bad break is healing and also has new bone growth!  Still has a lot of healing to do and is still somewhat painful but is getting better by the day.  I go back in six weeks.  Will keep you posted.

Thanks for the all the prayers!

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The night the AC went out

The kids are with their father this weekend.  Small blessing.  My mom, stepfather and I were at my house.  We were all napping on and off all day.  Around 5 pm we noticed how hot it was in my house.  Called Beyer Boys - they showed up around 9:45.  Of course, I needed a $1k part that comes from Carrier.  It came in this morning and is getting fixed now.

Backtrack to last night.  After the guy left at 10:45, the house was 90+ degrees.  Mom and I packed up and got my stepfather up.  Thank God my mom lives a mile down the road.  By the time we left my house, it was 11:45.  Mom and I were burning up.  The AC in her car felt great.

We got there, unloaded and to bed.  I was wound up and didn't get to sleep until way after one.  About 5 or 6 in the morning, my stepfather came into my room and asked me who I was.  I told him and he seemed OK with it, apologized and left the room.  I heard a door open and I thought he went out the front.  I used my cell to call my mom.  She went and checked on him.  Thank goodness he was in the house.  For some reason he roams the house when he is at their house.  Mom said he got up and said he needed a shower.  I guess he was going room to room looking for the shower.  Sad is all I can say.

Arm still hurts but healing is a ssssllloooooowww process.  Thank you for the continued support and prayers.

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New Veneers and Broken Arm

One thing at a time.  Got my replacement veneers today!  All I want for Christmas, is my two front teeth - Christmas came early!  A little vain - but oh well.....

Broken arm - completely different issue.  Remember the doc couldn't put a rod in at the time due to arthritis and I had a whole other set of health issues that took precedence.  My shoulder aches - I guess because the bone is completely broken in two and has no support (plan to ask the doc about this theory next week).  I can also hear the bones rub together and the break still hurts.  My theory on this is that the bones are not knitting together - another question to ask.  I will keep you posted.  I see the ortho doc next Tuesday.

And my most fav doc, the oncologist, I get to see next Thursday - UGH!

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Getting stronger but still can't do much and my stepfather

With a broken right arm, you can't do much for yourself.  At least, I can go to the bathroom alone.  I can't cook, clean, drive, bathe or sign my name and a whole host of other things.  Who would of thought at 43 my mother would still be taking care of me.  She is also taking care of my 10 year old triplets and her 82 year old husband of 33+ years who has moderate to severe Alzheimer's.

She has her arms full and she does it all with love, patience and grace.  She has more patience than I do.  I am learning slowly.  Tonight was hard.  The kids are at their fathers'.  My stepfather started in about dinner time.  He knew our names.  He did not believe he was married to my mother, that he lived here for the past month or that his and my mom's house was a mile away.

It escalated from there.  He wanted his car keys - he hasn't had them for years.  He insisted he had to go home and that it was a 10 hour drive but couldn't name the town.  He went from door to door.  I don't know how she did it - but she got him to bed.

It is different every day - never knowing what he will be like.  Sad is all I can say.  Makes my broken arm pale in comparison.

Last Day in the Hospital and Nurse Hatchett

When conscious, I am one of those patients that WANT OUT of the hospital.  Dr. Simon had stopped by the Friday before I was released and said I would most likely get out Monday.  I take that info like a bulldog with a chew toy and won't let it go.  I started in at 8 am by calling Dr. Simon's office and talking to Dana - I knew I needed the final script for my feedbag and his signature to make a jail break.  She said he was in the hospital making rounds and would make his way to me.

He stopped by at 1 pm while my nurse, Nurse Hatchett, and her trainee were in my room when he said I was free!  But first, I needed Activase in my mediport.

The PICC line nurse had been by around 11am and told the trainee the Activaae instructions.  For a bit of explanation on Activase, it is used to "unclog" the mediport.  You should be able to hookup the feedbag and get fed as well as be able to draw blood from the port.  For months, the nurses from the Home Health Care service have not been able to get blood from it.  Thus the hospital nurses couldn't either.

So, the nurse in training puts Activase in my port, waits an hour, then draws back on the port - hopefully you get blood return.  So after the PICC line nurse gives the orders at 11, I finally get the Activase at 3!!!  Let me note at this point, I had seen Nurse Hatchett once the whole day.  During which time, her biggest concern was collecting the plastic tops off medicine vials to do arts and crafts with.

After the hour, I hit the call nurse button.  The very nice nurse trainee came in and explained that nurse Hatchett waits an hour and a half to draw back blood and not the hour that the PICC nurse said.  I asked to speak to nurse Hatchett.  She refused to come to my room.  I asked to speak to the charge nurse.  She happened to be in the room - I explained the situation.  She said she would handle it.  The nurses' assistant told me that Nurse Hatchett was too busy texting to come to my room.

At this point, Nurse Hatchett made her grand entrance and proceeded to argue with me - NOT the thing to with any customer much less one that has turned into bulldog.  At this point, I was DONE.  I decided to leave AMA (against medical advice).  For all intents and purposes, everything was done.  I knew what to do when I got home.

When I saw Dr. Simon yesterday, he said I had a nickname that rhymed with witch.  I have no issue with this - it got me out of there.   On another note, Nurse  Hatchett is liked by very few if any. 

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Doc appointment 6/21

My mom took me to a follow-up with my internist, Dr. Simon, yesterday.  Dr. Simon is one of my favorite docs.  We discussed a number of things  one of which has had me perplexed since the beginning - where my brain went on vacay for 5 days after my fall and subsequent infection. He said when I showed up at the ER, I was a complete medical mess.

After the ER, I was put in ICU.  He said within hours he received a call saying the blood cultures were having a massive party in the petri dish.  I was septic and my organs were shutting down.  That is where my brain went on vacay for 5 days.  Glad I didn't know it then. At that point, the docs just started throwing antibiotics at me. They were trying to keep me alive.

The EMS guys couldn't get a blood pressure read on me  I remember the ambulance ride and after that it was 5 day later.  Dr. Simon said he called a doctor who specializes in ICU patients, Dr. Marks, and said that that doc saved my life.  Thank you Dr. Marks whereever you are.  I was almost intubated.  Dr. Simon also said I was also lucky to walk out of there 10 days later.  He said patients like me typically spend months in the hospital.

There have been two other occasions I have come close to kicking off.  This was the 3rd.  All I know is God is not done with me yet.  For that, I am beyond grateful.  Thanks to all who prayed for me.

We also discussed my last day in the hospital and my behavior - but that is another post.

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Broken Arm

Prior to breaking my arm, the only other bones I have broken are the small toe on my right foot and bones in my right foot due to arthritis.  All no biggies until the arm.  Of course, I had to break my right arm.  I have learned to compensate somewhat with my left hand.

I couldn't have surgery on the arm due to the deterioration of the bone due to arthritis and the shape I was in when I finally showed up at the ER.  I have to wear a compression cast up to 4 months.  If the bone has not knitted together by then, I may be facing surgery then.

I have little range of motion now -but hopefully that will start increasing soon.  Thank God for my mom and for not letting it be worse. Thanks for the continued prayers and support.

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